Liber Part 3, Humility

If I put my hand on a hot surface, the pain causes me to remove it.  Pain is my body's indicator that I need to change my action to prevent more damage.  Physical pain is usually more obvious to us, but in my experience, emotional and mental pain is more excruciating.  When I am hurting inside, I feel trapped and I want out.  I am highly motivated to make a change.

But, can we change without hitting rock bottom? Can we make significant changes to our lives and overcome weakness, change habits and paradigms, become a different person without an impetus as strong as pain?  I used to believe, that for me at least, the answer was no.  I would see something I wanted, but was unable to attain it.  I would start down a path toward it, but never reach the destination.  I would pick up a stick only to drop it again.  My experiences were telling me the answer was no.  But that  was still seeing through the lense of pain.

Little did I know I was making changes all along.  Changes for the better.  They were just small.  I was on the path I wanted to be on, it was just at a walking pace.  Some of those changes were motivated by pain, but in actuality the changes motivated by pain are the ones that slowed my pace.   If pain motivated me to pick up the scriptures or pray, once the pain was gone, I slacked off.  (Does this sound like the pride cycle in the Book of Mormon?) I only ever had one Psychology class in college, and it was on behaviorism.  In it, I learned that when pain (or punishment) is the motivator, the change is not as likely to last as when a positive reinforcement is the motivator.  When the cat is away the mice will play.

The lasting changes come from a desire for something good.  Freedom from bondage comes when we see a glorious destination and keep our focus on it long enough to get there.  When relieving pain is our motivation to change we are to some degree blinded by that pain, we do not see clearly, and any action that relieves the pain even temporarily seems like the right choice.  When in reality, we may be walking into a bigger pain down the road by changing according to what relieves the current pain.

For example, yesterday afternoon, I was busy, moody and hungry.  I was feeling a pain.  I took the first option I found to relieve that pain, it was peanut butter filled pretzels - junk food.  It temporarily relieved my hunger, was a comfort food for my moodiness, and took no time to prepare.  But that choice, in the long run, gave me a miserable experience at Crossfit a couple of hours later - physical pain.  And last night I was commiserating to Jonathan about changing my diet, and frustrated with my repeated inconsistency and failure - an emotional pain.  Both of which were greater than my initial discomfort earlier in the afternoon.

Choices based on pain, are usually looking at the immediate consequences.  They don't give us the desired result.  If I had chosen based on my positive vision of wanting to be physically healthy, have energy, feel good emotionally, and perform well at Crossfit, I would have taken a little time to get myself some real food.

So my conclusion now is that pain is actually a worse motivator than a desire for something good. Pain may be the initial motivator, but I must learn to choose not based on relieving the pain, but rather on the vision of what I really want.  This ties in to the law of attraction.  If our mind is focused on the pain, we will not see clearly to relieve it.  Instead we must focus on the bigger vision of what we want.  But how do we do that when the pain is present?

Humility.

Remember my desire for the gift of Charity at Christmas?  Part of the description of charity is to suffer long.  That takes humility.  Submitting to the pain, even as child doth submit to his father.  That certainly describes humility.  When I can accept that pain - of whatever kind - is part of the mortal experience, take a step back to embrace that feeling, physical or emotional, and ask "what is there to learn from this?"  I open myself up to being teachable.  I may not have the answer within myself yet,  or I may, but I am forgetting it.  The pain is blocking it from my memory.  Either way I must be humble to allow God through the Spirit, or another person, to teach me.

I do have some crucial pieces of knowledge to help me.

1.  Men are that they might have joy.  This encourages me that the pain is not meant to last eternally, though in the moment I may be wondering.

2.  With faith in, and through the atonement of, Jesus Christ, men do change.  I do not have to do this alone.  He will strengthen me if I let Him.
3.  Embracing the pain, and finding humilty to accept, actually lessens it.  It lets the Savior take that pain from you.

So, yes, pain is an indicator that we should change, and a powerful motivator, but whether pain is present or not, to obtain any change, to reach any goal, we must find Humility. We must be ready to learn and work for the knowledge we need, hungering and thirsting after it.  Aware of our own ignorance and lack of knowledge and skill.  We must be ready to submit to the mentor - God, and others he puts in our path, acknowledging they have knowledge and skills that we need.

Humility is the first step in Liber.  It is the hardest and the easiest.

Liber Part 2 The mentor

A mentor is someone who has the skills and knowledge you want.  A person that God brings into your life when you are ready to learn.   The power of a mentor comes when you are willing to submit. To follow all they ask of you, even when it is really hard, or you don't see the purpose - like in Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi asks Daniel to to wax his cars and paint his fence.

I could only submit to the mentor, because I knew in my heart it was right.  I knew she had what I wanted.  I knew that gaining that principle of self-governance.  The ability to live on purpose and according to my core values was going to bring me happiness, closer to God.  It would make me a better mother.  I knew I could take the mentor's counsel, regardless of my understanding it, and that eventually I would attain the goal.

Another principle in mentoring is the sacrifice.  The mentor cannot really guide me unless I sacrifice something to compensate the mentor.  In Karate Kid - Mr. Miyagi got shiny clean cars and a white fence.  Daniel was willing to submit because he knew Mr. Miyagi could teach the art of defense and self-confidence he was lacking.  My sacrifice was monetary, enough to be a sacrifice on our budget. The miracle of the sacrifice is that you are overly compensated for that sacrifice.  Once you have fully gained your own liber (liberty through knowledge), the sacrifice becomes nothing compared to what you have gained.

A mentor may become a formal coach, that you meet with regularly, take assignments from, and report to, as mine was.  Or they can also be informal, someone that you observe and listen to and follow their counsel, without them being fully aware - a friend, a book, a podcast or blog, a course, a leader. Either way the power of mentor only comes when you fully submit and sacrifice.

What does this have to do with Liber?

It is the irony that submitting my will to that of a master is the path to freedom.  If I want to gain liberty in an area of my life in which I am in bondage, I must give up my own ideas and my natural whims.  I must look for one who has that freedom and follow the path they have taken.  They enjoy that liberty because of  knowledge and skill that they have and I don't.

Of coarse, God is the perfect mentor.  As I submit our will to His, we find our greatest freedom   We have his words in the scriptures, from prophets, and through personal prayer and inspiration.  He gave me the mentor I needed, when I was ready to submit.  I was not ready to submit until the pain of my bondage was excruciating.

I have since learned that I can choose to submit to a mentor before the pain is excruciating, but I must have an emotion strong enough to motivate the change.

Liber, part 1

[Li-ber] 1. free  2.  bark, a book  3. to engage in contract  4. education for a free people

I have loved this word for many years.  I first learned it in a thirsty quest to understand the freedom of a nation. Our nation: America.  I became painfully aware that many of our freedoms were being lost through misuse of government power.  I grieved at this awakening.  I became passionate about learning and understanding what government was supposed to be, and what it had become.  I wanted to know what I could do to make a difference for good, to try and change the tide.  The answer led me to this word: liber.

 I have since learned that liber, the root of liberty and library, has application to every area of my life. My personal self governance; my health, both physical and mental; relationships; parenting; education; finances; the war with Satan; food, clothing, shelter.  Each area of freedom won, has been a journey of learning.

I have found a pattern in the journey to liber.  It is 1. pain, 2. a realization of one's bondage, 3. a quest for knowledge, 4. working to grasp, gain and eventually master the skills learned about, 5. then engaging with world in the paradigm of your new-found freedom.

My bondage to a chaotic, over-paced world led me to want self-governance.  I found myself spread too thin between motherhood, homemaking, social and educational activities.  Life was somewhat without purpose, just reactionary.  Someone would present me with an idea, I would get excited about it.  I would start down the road with conviction and find myself knee-deep in it, too tired to go on, and not sure it was worth it, so I would only half-heartedly contintue, until all the drive had petered out and I quit...only to feel guilty about the long train of unfinished projects and goals I had trailing behind me.  I had not the discipline to accomplish.  I had not the clarity of vision to choose the right path for me.

I kept reading about successful people.  People who made a difference in the world around them - whether famous or not, they lived according to their convictions.  They found joy in living because they knew they were right before God, and they were accomplishing their mission on earth.  I wanted a mission, something to be passionate about, but deep down I knew that I did not have the discipline or skills to do much.  I wanted them, so I took a leap of faith and courage - one of the most humbling and frightening steps in my life, and it started me on a new path.  A path to self-governance, where I can choose the way I spend my time, and know that I am right before God, and that He does have a work for me to do on this earth - something I am passionate about!

That step was finding a mentor.

There is a bridge over the deep, dark chasm.

I have often likened depression to a deep chasm.  I end up at the bottom without knowing how.  It is dark, and cold, and lonely and terrifying.  When I am down there I cannot see my way up, nor can I see the blue sky, green trees and grass, flowers, or hear the birds singing.  Instead I only see the ugly, swampy, deadness.  I hear lies, that sound like my own voice telling me there is no hope:  "I am doomed to feel miserable forever.  Life is too hard, it is not worth putting forth the effort to make it better, because there is no such thing as better.  People who seem happy are only putting on a show.  Or they are simply stronger, smarter, more capable than I am."

This past couple of weeks I have been dealing with some depression again.  But instead of ending up in a chasm, it was only a valley.  I could hear the lies.  Life seemed somewhat bleak.  But I was able to keep my heart focused on truths.  I did not once lose my temper of become sharp or unkind to my children or husband.  I was not enthusiastic, encouraging or fun-loving as want to be, but I was not mean like I usually become with depression.  I did have one bout when my negative, critical view escaped my mouth, but I was able to get control of it before too long.  I kept my Eternal Warriors commitments to pray, write and read, as well as my other three mother goals.  I made good progress on preparing our house for selling.  All this, while not feeling much energy or enthusiasm - more like lethargy and apathy.  Seeing many negatives all around me and in me.

Yesterday evening it was peaking.  I was really down, crying.  Discouraged that it wasn't going to pass despite my doing all I know to get out of it.  Exercise, listening to conference, healthy diet, oils.  I had even written down my automatic thoughts (Satan's lies) and written countering truths, but nothing was helping.

Then I was given a new vision of my situation.  This depression was not a valley.  It was still a chasm, as dark and deep as any I have faced, but the Lord had been holding me up as I journeyed across.  He had provided a bridge across it.  Because I had been doing my part, and seeking to do His will, and because He wanted to bless me, I was not feeling the miserable, dark depths, but only a shallow portion of it.

I rejoice that the Lord is merciful.  That he desires our joy.  That His plan for us is perfect.  Without tasting the darkness of depression, I would not comprehend the brilliant beauty that life is meant to be.  It is always a humbling reminder of my dependence upon my Savior for my happiness, and strengthens my faith and love for Him.  He is the way to escape the chasm, whether by means of a way to climb out from the depths, or in merciful goodness to provide a bridge across.

 

Increasing my mother heart

My prayers and journal are becoming more and more consumed with how I can help my children to reach their dreams, and fulfill their God-given potential and purpose on this earth, and less about my own personal struggles and projects.  I have heard many times that having a clear mission statement that you recite, and daily consider will change you, yet I am still amazed as I feel it happen to me. The Lord is slowly and surely guiding me to become to become a Powerful, Purposeful, and Nurturing Mother.

Kate - My courageous 15 year old, has big dreams for her future - but her current project is to compete in the Shakespeare Festival with a dance and  ballroom open at Gem State.  For both of these she needs private lessons with a choreographer, and costumes.  This is expensive.  So she has devised a plan to earn the money.  She is going to put on some fabulous summer camps for children.  She has held Fairy Ettiquette camps in the past to earn money for lessons and had a lot of fun, and great responses from the girls and their mothers.  She will be holding these again this summer, but also branching out to hold a Sons and Daughters of Freedom camp.  She loves America, our Constitution and the God-inspired, liberty driven men and women who established our country and gave us the blessed, prosperous lives we know.  She wants to share that love and teach about the requirements and costs of keeping that liberty. She is creating a plan using games, stories, and music to teach the principles of freedom to 8-12 year olds.

I love her ideas, and support them whole-heartedly, if with some fear and trepidation over the amount of work ahead.  I know she will learn tons from the experience and bless those who participate with a wonderful experience too!

Cassidy has decided she loves violin and wants to buy her own.  So she is working and saving to earn money for this.  She also wants to do a study group this coming school year focusing on American History and Permaculture Gardening.  She hopes to find a small, dedicated group of peers to join her on her journey.

Wyatt's current dream is to create a new breed of dog.  Random?  He is planning to accomplish his Bear before the new Cub Scout program is released - no small amount of work.  He also is determined that he needs more boy time to get out all his energy.  He has a fabulous math brain like his father and the same thoughtful, tender heart.

Mille is my fragile child, for lack of a better word.  She has fragile feelings and is very socially aware despite her inability to show it.  This comes out in all kinds of struggles - toileting accidents, eating, getting dressed, going to therapy and simply being included or not in the activities of her friends and cousins.  She is physically a tiny thing, and is calmer, more still and cautious than most children.  Mille has an amazing light within her.  It usually is shining so that others quickly come to love her warm smile, contagious giggle, and eagerness to love and be loved.  She often is on my mind, wondering how I can help her to learn to function in this world, to see her own strengths and fight through her weaknesses.  To keep her innocence safe and her heart protected because it seems extra pure and extra sensitive to damage from the harshness of this world.

Janey is physically strong and robust.  She is energetic and spunky, determined and quick to pick things up.  She loves hugs and books, food and outside.  She needs constant watching and guiding to avoid the appearance of a tornado having whirled its way through our house.  She is my
"Beautiful baby, beautiful child.
Gentle and maybe just a little bit wild."

I love being a mother.  It is heart-wrenching, challenging, thrilling.  I will never reach a plateau or boredom because I can always become infinitely better.  It is my ground for becoming.

How I am Changing the World

I had a fun conversation today with a friend who is mulling over education choices for her children. Her oldest will be in kindergarten in the fall.  She is a brilliant woman, a careful mother and doing her homework.  She has looked at the local public elementary, has researched the charter schools around, and is wanting to explore the options in the homeschool world.  I was impressed with her careful look at all the options.

She is also searching for more fulfillment in her life.  She treasures motherhood, and has a one day a week profession that gives her adult interaction, however she is very honest with herself about the struggles of boredom, loneliness and monotony that can be the bane of homemaking.  Nevertheless, she is courageously considering the possibility of quitting the job to be home full time even as she worries that she will be miserable without something to stimulate her mind.

I say hooray for wanting to be a full time mother!  That is a mother-heart calling for its divine potential.

And yes, bored, overwhelmed, and stagnated with dishes, diapers, and laundry is a very real and common situation with moms.

So how do mothers find joy in the day to day difficulties of runny noses, 2 year old tantrums, and coaxing 7 year olds to eat their broccoli or feed the dog, or practice their spelling list?  How do mothers not lose themselves completely in the piles of laundry - to wake up one day not knowing who they are or why they are trying to match stray socks?

First, my grandmother taught me to darn socks by saying "That darn sock has a hole." and then throw it in the trash.  I apply this amply to stray socks as well.

As to finding joy in the mundane, and retaining a sense of self the key is knowing why.  Why is what drives the choice, the action.  Being consciously aware of why you do something puts your emotion into it, aligns it with your core values.  Answering "Why?"  gives you your purpose.

Why do mothers change diapers, fix meals, wash dishes, wash and fold laundry, chauffeur children, read stories over and over, wipe noses, help with tedious homework, assign chores they could do faster, easier and better themselves, give consequences, clean bloody knees, and put band-aids on invisible owies?  It is because they know they are changing the world as they do it.  If they do a good job, they make the world better, they are shaping a life, bringing it closer to God and to joy, or further from it.  According to their choices that child will be blessed or experience misery.  No other position on earth has even close to as much influence on the lives of other human beings.

Motherhood is a position of power.  God gave it to women because of our natures.  We are not as easily power-hungry, or harsh.  It is a power that if wielded with wisdom, gentleness, nurturing, respect for agency, integrity and love, will produce great joy for the mother and her offspring. - Not to say that there won't be pain, challenges and mistakes by both mother and child - this is mortality, a practice ground.  But the Why remains strong.  Mothers do what they do because it is the noblest, most challenging, most rewarding thing they could do in a lifetime.  It is the work of God - to raise children.

But, you say, that Why is so hard to remember when you are up in the middle of the night mopping up vomit, or breaking up the umpteenth quarrel in a day.

The answer to that is we must keep learning and growing ourselves.  If we stagnate in our personal growth, our children will stagnate also.  If we are anxiously engaged in our own life long pursuit of knowledge, truth, and excellence so will our children be.

For me this growth has come from many different avenues.  I was impressed early in my motherhood by an article called "An Education without a Classroom" in which a young mother, surrounded by college students chose to keep learning via books from the local library and her kitchen table.  This inspired me to keep learning without excuse according to the situation I am in.   I have loved book groups, or Colloquia where everyone comes ready to discuss and learn a book that has changed them.  I use park days so kids can play and moms can talk or do a project together, teaching classes myself so that I have to study and prepare, personal mentoring, and occasionally a formal class or lessons.  Conferences are inspiring.  Always I have to plan in time weekly where I can visit with other women and learn from them and share what I am learning and thereby be strengthened.

The conclusion to all this is that this summer for my growth and hopefully that of a few other moms I am planning to have a weekly Mom's study group (held at a park so kids can play).  I have 3 different directions I am thinking of going, based on my current passions and learning and I'm looking for other interested moms.
A.  Creating a Master Inspire Plan for your family.  Reading, discussing and creating what you want for your family.
B.  Personal Discipline to gain control of your own thoughts and actions  - Eternal Warriors
C.  Permaculture:  A design system for gardening, self-reliance, and wholistic living.

If you live in the Weber/Davis area and are interested in learning with me on one of these this summer send me an email, text or FB message with what topic you like and I will keep you posted as plans develop.

Your fellow learner,
Emily

Crossfit Open Ranking 12,476

Today I finished my first attempt at the Crossfit Open, in which some 289,000 people around the world competed.  It was my first time doing anything at all competitive, and I hoped to rank in the top 1/3.  I have been able to do that - and a little better.  I ended in the top 10%.  I've known for a couple months that I wanted to try and get competitive with Crossfit.  As I struggle to give everything I have to a WOD, I have to continually ask "Why?"

"Why do I want to do this?"  Why do I want to push myself physically beyond what is needed for good health and anti-depressant benefits.  Why do I want to put in extra time, and deal with very sore muscles and torn and callused hands?  Why do I want to learn to concentrate, to conquer the mind-game, to give all I have to a 15 minute workout?  What is the point?

Today, as I for the umpteenth time asked those questions, I received an answer.

I need to have walked the path of success and excellence before I can guide my children on it.  Their own choices of what to excel at will be different than mine, but until I have experienced what it is to work for and achieve a difficult dream, how can I tell my children they can.  How can I mentor them on "the Path" if I have not walked it myself.

I have a good friend who I have long admired for her ability to help her children succeed at everything they engage in.  Okay, at times is has been envy.  She, as a youth, learned to walk that path: leads in plays, valedictorian, beauty pageant queen.  I have fumbled to know how to help my own children reach the goals and dreams they have.  I have tried - and we have had some good goes, but my dear Kate has not yet come close to tasting her dreams or reaching her potential, and I have not known how to help her.  I try to tell her if she keeps working hard and has faith she can, but I have no experience to draw on.  I know there is amazing music, wisdom, and love that she needs to share with the world, and I want to be able to look at her and say "Kate, I know that if you follow this path of work, and faith, and seeking and submitting to the mentor, and failing better, and not giving up, and going when it hurts, when you are all alone, when you want to quit... after that test, you will achieve your hearts righteous desires.  I know, because I have walked that path."


I am working to be successful at Crossfit for that reason.  My goal is to make it to regionals - this make take more than a year or two.  Sometimes I look at that goal and think I'm crazy - it is too big, but I feel that God wants me to give my all, while I am at the box.  And then come home and give my all in the same purposeful, passionate, excited way to raising my children.  On we go for a dream!

Thoughts on Childbirth

Hi Emily!

I hope you are doing well. I sure love reading your blog. Your words make me feel like I'm not alone in wondering all my mothering thoughts.  You have always been such a great example to me, and you are one of the best moms I know.

Sometime around Labor Day I'll be going into labor again and I vaguely remember you mentioning on Rachelle's Facebook page that you thought fondly of your hypnobirthing experience. I'm curious why that was your favorite and if you went to a class for that or perhaps read a book. Also, was that a natural childbirth? My first two deliveries were great, but I'm wanting to try things the way my body was meant to do them.... maybe :)

Anyway, I thought I would start asking moms I love and look up to about this and I'm interested in anything you have to offer on the subject.

Take care!
Briana

Sweet Briana,

I am excited to hear from you!  Hooray on this new addition coming.  

Yes, hypno-birthing is a natural birth preparation method.  Here is my story - 

My first two children I had epidurals, no problems.  My third, I was planning on an epidural, but she came too fast.  I was blessed with a fabulous nurse from Europe, who worked wonderfully as a coach and helped me through.  Since then, I have gone natural.  Faster recovery, more intense experience.  The gospel teaches us that there must needs be opposition in all things, and in order to appreciate the sweet things, we must experience the hard things.  I have found that level of my joy is intensified, and my faith and sense of partnering with God is increased when I walk that hard road.  Also, Jonathan became an integral part of the birthing process - not just an onlooker.    I gain a new sense of my own strength and weakness through the journey of natural childbirth.  That being said, everyone has different needs at different times in their lives and I believe that modern anesthetics can be truly a blessing from that Lord at times too.  God will guide anyone who seeks his counsel in this decision.

My first planned natural birth was hard, fast, and I don't remember the details too much.

My second I prepared with a book called The Bradley Method; Husband Coached Childbirth.  I loved his philosophy of conception is between  husband and wife and delivery should be also.  I add that God is also part of both experiecnes.  He used breathing patterns and talked about observing how animals birth calmly.  It worked okay - but was still very difficult.  I would not describe it as a beautiful or peaceful experience, but it was natural and I have no regrets.  (Jonathan will tell you that I always get to that really hard part and think I am going to die - and proclaim it )  I had a Nurse Midwife and delivered at the hospital - she was all for epidurals, but willing to support my wishes.

For my last child, I really wanted a home birth, but for reasons of cost, and that Janey had a medical problem we ended up delivering at UofU with a special needs OB.  Heather, Adam's wife, and one of my other cousins, both loved their hypno-birthing experiences.  I was a little skeptical because I have always felt that the hypnosis used for entertainment was giving up agency or lowering inhibitions in an inappropriate way.  But I decided to read the book and see if it felt right.  It did.  

Hypnosis in childbirth is self-hypnosis, and it is actually just training yourself to get in a very relaxed, yet focused meditative state.  It is all about learning to control and focus your mind and your body.  I loved that it was actually about intense self-control, rather than about giving up your self-control to another person.  I just used the book, and read about self-hypnosis and meditation and relaxation from other sources.  And lots and lots of practicing.  I loved writing out my birth script, and had Jonathan practice it with me several times.  It was not a read from start to finish, but different chunks as I needed them.   I will send you my birth script so you can see it.  I have heard that people love the classes, and many people say getting an excellent doula is super helpful for natural childbirth.  I can say yes to that from my first natural birth experience where the nurse stepped in and helped me immensely.  However, I think it is ideal for my husband to play that crucial role, and it did bring us closer together.

The day of Janey's birth, I was induced because we were driving  to SLC.  I was worried about pitocin causing more pain than I could handle, and so we started with just breaking my water.  It didn't work, so three hours later, they started pitocin.  When labor really started I had Jonathan work through the birth script with me.  I would tell him when I needed something different - but often he could tell on his own.  He said it was physically and mentally challenging for him also - both my mom and Jonathan's momwere there, and my daughter Cassidy - the first birth since our first that we had anyone else.  There were also a whole slew of doctors and nurses and interns coming in and out - because Janey was a rare case and they expected her to have severe complications at birth.  But once the contractions were regular and strong, I became very focused and don't remember much of who was around other than Jonathan.  It was hard, but peaceful and spiritual as I prepared for.  It became very much a prayer for strength and focus, and careful, concentrated focus on relaxing what I could and letting my uterus be all that was contracting.  I remember moving from sitting to on my hands and knees, and be amazed at how intense things were.  But according to all the onlookers everything was very calm and peaceful. So it caught them somewhat by surprise when one of the interns noticed Janey was crowning and after a few pushes she was born.   

My prayer throughout the pregnancy was that I would be able to hold her after birth, that she would be stable enough for that. I wanted the miracle of a healthy baby, but didn't dare get my hopes up for it, I just really wanted to hold her soon after she was born.  She has an enlarged brain ventricle that looked likely to be affecting her executive functions - heart and lungs.  So they told me should would be whisked through a little window to NICU and if all was well I would get to hold her after her initial exam, but if there were problems she would be transferred as soon as she was stable to Primary Children's NICU.  

She was born pink and breathing! After 5 minutes of NICU exam she was given back to me and never left my side again.  She still has an enlarged brain ventricle but the only noticable effects so far have been that her left leg lagged behind a few weeks in picking up the movement for crawling.

For me, the visualization and practicing faith in the process of preparation for birth became a growing experience.  It was a means of exercising my faith, which in turn strengthened my faith, and then prepared me for the beautiful miracle God had in store.  I think the hypnobirthing method teaches and supports the skills of exercising faith, as well as developing self-mastery of mind and body.  It doesn't directly create a spiritual experience, but you can make it so.  It does give a beautiful, healthy view of motherhood and the birthing process and tools to make it happen.

I hope that helps some.  Please ask more questions if you have them.

Love, Emily

   

Warrior Chemistry

As a woman and mother I am not naturally violent.  In fact, I am usually more passive and seeking peace.  However, I am currently learning to drill for warrior chemistry - the fight or flight response that chooses to fight.  This blog is a warrior drill.

I am being attacked mentally.   It is bedtime, and I have not completed my daily commitments of Power Goals.  Satan is attacking me with "It's late, your tired, you don't want to read your scriptures or write in your journal"  "You are a failure again - you keep saying you are going to do those things early in the day - but you never do."  " It is cold, and if you stay out of bed to do them, you will be awake a long time trying to get warm."  "Sleep is a core value, too"  "It's your anniversary - you deserve to play instead."  "You are so tired, that you can't possibly get anything our of your reading, and your blog will be a bunch of aimless mush."

As I read back through it, I find it hilarious that he tries every approach - completely contradictory ideas - "your too tired" and "you deserve to play instead."  I am committed to these goals and I will not consciously choose to fail!  So there, Satan!  (Can you see me sticking out my tounge!)

Next attack:  While I am writing - keeping my commitment and acting according to my core value - Satan throws another tactic.  "Why is Jonathan talking to me? It distracts me and slows me down."  " He gets to spend time on something fun (he is programming Crossfit for me, at my request), and I have to do these things."  Those thoughts made me feel blaugh.  Tired, discouraged.  It was a chemical shift that I felt.  When I stop to write down those flashing thoughts, I am shocked.  They are simply not true - Jonathan asked one short question about our schedule for the next couple of weeks so that he could program accordingly.  I am sincerely grateful that he is programming for me.  And I am excited about writing this blog and that I still get to write a Letter to God, and study God words in the scriptures.  Those are both things that I value highly as a means of gaining the spirit in my life, and receiving personal guidance in my life from God, who knows all and loves me, and is the only source of truth and happiness.  I treasure time spent with Him, above all else - when I am being true to myself and not stoned by Satan's lies.

My warrior chemistry is on now!  I am ready to give my best effort to these most important things, regardless of the time of day or night.  I am a Warrior!  I am on the Lord's side!

A Day Up the Scale*

Today I climbed out of bed and my emotions were raging.  I felt overwhelmed with my day, and out of control of my thoughts.  I had this great idea of how to make St. Patrick's day fun, but I slept in too late, I was out of my comfort zone, not being in my own home, and my mind went off - okay I must give credit where credit is due - Satan went off telling me that I could not possibly get everything done, that I was a bad mother because I did not have a surprise ready when my children woke up, that my mother in-law was certainly judging me to be a bad mom because I wasn't doing something fun for my children,  that life is too hard, miserable, and everything is going down hill.

Yes, Satan really does go off on me like that, and for the first time in weeks, I was believing him.  I just sank under the weight of it all.  All day I was moving between agitated, irritable and grumpy to depressed, crying, to simply apathetic, tired and lazy.  I can blame it on PMS, on my life being discombobulated, because we are in the midst of so much transition, or simply on a bad day, but until I find the real source of my misery I cannot work on overcoming and changing and preventing it from reoccurring.  It is Satan who seeks to torment and make me miserable like himself.

Satan got in my head and in my on voice was spouting lies, that I was believing.  He had a heyday.  I struggled for recovery several times during the day, but could tell that at best I was at a 1 or 2 (Chemical drip or feelings).   Finally, after a brief surprise visit with an old friend I was finally brought back down to 0.  As I shared with her my bad day, and she shared with me her own struggles, I could see clearly that what I want - what I am fighting for - is my children to feel my love,  to see a path that leads to happiness, and that by my buying into Satan's lies and letting him run my day, I had not given them that model.  I felt the Warrior chemistry surge, the antidote to Satan's chemical spills took effect and I was restored to my caring, real self.

The truth is that Jesus Christ knows my situation.  He knows what I can handle, and will help me to know what things are best and help me to do them.  He will also help me to let go of the extra things.  His atonement can enable me to be the mother I desire.  The truth is that St. Patrick's day is not essential for teaching eternal truths - (although my husband came up with an awesome scripture treasure hunt that compared our journey through life to a rainbow and the atonement as a gift better than gold.)  The truth is my mother-in-law loves me, and has never shown anything other than love and acceptance of me - even with all my quirky ways.  The truth is that life challenging, so we can grow, glorious with ups to match the downs, and our life are progressing toward our Savior as we keep seeking to follow him.

Satan lied, and had me going for a day.  But he didn't win!  

* Learn about The Chemical Scale 

My Big Why?

Question 1: Why am I fighting?

I want to give my children every bit of help and truth, love, and experience and example that I can to help them make good choices that will bring them happiness now, later in life, and in the eternities.   My greatest joy comes in my children's progress.  My greatest personal progress comes in my becoming a better mentor, listener, counselor, guide, servant, friend, teacher Mother.

At Crossfit, when I finish a WOD, I can often tell that I did not give it everything.  even though it was feeling really hard.  I think back through my workout and I can see where I could have done more, moved faster, pushed harder, been more efficient or paused to rest less.  Most often it is early on in the WOD - the first few minutes that I could have done better.

I don't want to get to the end of life and feel that I should have done more for my children.  I want no regrets in my role as mother.   When I say more, I don't mean making their beds, and washing laundry for them.  I mean spending time to show, and teach them how and why to do those and all other things for themselves.

In some ways I already have regrets, and a long list of "Wish I hads" and "if onlys."  As my oldest daughter, Kate, becomes more and more independant I certainly have things I wish I had the skills to do better in helping her reach her dreams.  But I am trying.  She knows I love her.  She knows I am not perfect and I do my best.  I know that God has the power to make up  the differnece for where I fall short as a mother.  This life is not about perfection.  It is about progress and improving and giving our best.

Now I have to ask myself the hard question.  Why do I hold back at Crossfit?  and am I holding back in my parenting? The real answer is sometimes, but I am doing much better, than even a year ago.

I hold nothing back.  I love, laugh. learn, teach, apologize and cry.  I am consistent, thoughtful, tough in holding boundaries, gentle in my words.  I question societal norms and look for the real purpose and effect of my actions, culture, habits.  I embrace the adventure of life, each day find blessings, and share what I discover.   I want to be, I am becoming, I am a Powerful, Purposeful, Nurturing Mother.  

God Answers Prayers

My husband and I leave for an anniversary trip in the morning.  We will be gone for seven days, by far the longest we have ever left our children.  I worked and prayed hard over the past few days to know what I needed to do so that my children could each have their emotional cups filled, and be excited about staying with Mimi and Papa.

At the same time we are preparing for a long trip, we have been cleaning out and emptying our house to prepare it for painters.  This has been a tremendous undertaking.  Everything but a couple of bedrooms, in which we have piled furniture and boxes, has been emptied and scrubbed down so the painters can move in.

I sat down to  dinner in our bare dining room with my family tonight and felt an overwhelming amount of peace and gratitude for the help we have received from heaven and from heaven-sent family.  I am in awe that we actually have everything done, and it has been without crazy stress or contention.  We have had some sleepless nights, but that is from sick kiddos, not late-night projects.  We have been praying daily for the needed miracles to have our home ready for selling for several months now, and I testify that those prayers have been answered.

In addition, my prayers of the past couple days to know how to meet my children's needs and prepare them for our leaving have also been answered.  We have had a pleasant evening of visiting and read aloud.  Today my sweet Mille, who struggles the most with changes, asked me at least 10 times what we were doing tomorrow, so we had a chance to talk about it, and help her to be excited and understand what was happening.  All of my children have been in varying stages of sick over the past few days and have therefore received more of my attention and affection.  What could have been an annoyance or burden has actually seemed a blessing.  It slowed our pace in a good way.  I feel at peace in leaving.

I stand amazed at the tender mercies of our Lord and how he works in mysterious ways to bless us.

Now on to an exciting week with Jonathan!

How to expose the devil.

Today I found joy in a very unlikely verse of scripture:

"And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils." Luke 8:2

Mary Magdalene is one of the heroines of scripture.  She was a close friend to Jesus, and was praised by him for choosing "that good part."  She is the first to whom the resurrected Lord appeared.  Yet she too, had her season of darkness and was in need of the Saviors powerful healing and redeeming grace.  This good woman had been possessed of devils.

I used to think that the accounts in the New Testament of people having evil spirits which needed casting out were strange, something that did not happen in our day.  I now realize that we are very much and very often in need of being freed from the evil spirits that would destroy our happiness and are constantly barraging us.

Several years ago during a dark bout of depression, I became clearly aware that Satan and his minions were attacking me when I was down.  I was being told lies by him, and felt bound down by his darkness.  I asked for a priesthood blessing to free me from Satan's grasp.  And was blessed with a season of reprieve from the darkness.  I was still hesitant to admit that an evil spirit could be in me.  It was too dark a subject to face.

On occasion in discussions, I would correlate my depression to a loss of the good Spirit, and as being a sin.  I could not explain how I got to that miserable state - or did not want to admit that I had become possessed of an evil spirit, because that seemed to reflect on me as being evil-, but I knew that when I was down, my behavior was bad, my thoughts were bad, I was not behaving right.  I was sinning.  It is wrong to yell at and belittle a child.  It is wrong to scream at your husband.  It is false to believe that life is hopeless, miserable, and there is no joy in it.  When I am depressed, I cannot see light, and I do not act on my core values.  My husband, mom or sister would tell me good things and my mind (actually it was an evil spirit in my mind) would counter with excuses and reasoning that negated every good thing they could come up with. In short, I was possessed of an evil spirit.

Part of the power Satan held over me was my refusing to acknowledge it as it was.  If I deny there is an evil spirit talking to me then I will not take action to kick him out of my mind and my home.  It is a version of  “And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.” (2 Ne. 28:20–22.)

Once I acknowledge that Satan does whisper to me, and lie to me, and is constantly putting his best effort out to keep me down, then I have exposed him.  I am shedding light on the problem and the problem becomes fixable.  

I have learned that all negative, hurtful, frustrating and confusing thoughts can be safely attributed to Satan and his devils.  I call him on it, tell him I won't believe him, and I choose not to agree with the thought.  Then Satan and his lies cannot possess me.  

Although the deep depression, constant dark thoughts and feeling of being possessed of a devil has not tormented me for several months now, I know Satan has not given up.  He still puts his miserable ideas in front of me daily, but I am learning to see them for what they are, and they do not take hold of me.  I am enabled to do this by the power of the Holy Ghost and through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Constant prayer for this help conquers Satan.

Like Mary Magdaline I have had devils gone out of me.

Lost a battle and learned a lesson.

Wednesdays are our crazy evenings.  Jonathan has a class so he leaves in the morning and doesn't come home until 9:30.  I have a class that starts at 7pm, and before that we have piano, violin, and Crossfit.  Slip dinner and bedtime routines into the mix also.  It is a stressful night.  After dinner tonight we were all cleaning up, when my bouncy boy Wyatt, knocked a plate of pomegranate seeds and skins out of his sisters hand and we had red jewels flying all over the floor.

I yelled at him. :(

It was the first time I have yelled in a few weeks.  I immediately felt awful - making it tempting to justify myself with more rudeness, but gratefully I stopped, took a deep breath and said I was sorry for yelling.  I admitted I was in the wrong, and calmly asked him to clean it up.

Yelling is not part of the powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother I am.  That is not part of our family culture.  We are at war to eradicate contention and rudeness from our home.  When it is there it is Satan's doing.

In my class, they asked the questions "When did you last lose a battle, and how did Satan attack you?"  "How will he try to attack you next time?"  "What can you do to prepare so that you won't lose that next  battle?"   I had the epiphany that Satan attacks me with unexpected little hiccups at busy or stressful times.  The dirty diaper that has to be changed when you are already late for an appointment. The important paper I needed that my 5 year old sharpened her cutting skills on.  The muddy boots all through the house right as company is arriving.  These are little things - no one's eternal salvation is at stake.  No one has really been injured or committed a crime they cannot learn from and correct - if Mom's stays calm enough to teach them and allow them to learn.
But throw in a little extra stress  and I Mom often loses her cool.  Not any more!  Now I can see it coming.  It is Murphy's law that if something can go wrong it will.  This is mortality, it is about becoming better, stronger, smarter, kinder.  When I can see that Satan wants me to snap and yell and throw my own immature fit, especially if I can hurt a child's feelings, or put them on the defensive so they don't learn from their mistakes, then I do get angry!  I get angry at Satan, and I am not going to let him into my home through my actions!  I will now expect that if I am busy or stressed, there will be little problems, unplanned added challenges, and I will face them with calm.  I will communicate to my children with love.  Because that is my core value.  That is who I am: a powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother.

The Power in Purging

We are selling our almost 4000 sq ft house and moving to one that is 2000 sq ft or less.  At first our motive was primarily to get rid of our mortgage, but the more I get rid of stuff in preparation for our move, the more freedom I feel.  My home is less cluttered.  I spend less time picking up, and more time studying and being with people.  Cleaning is easier, my closets and drawer and entire house feels tidier.  My brain has less to worry about.  My soul feels lighter!

The Savior's counsel to the rich man has spoken powerfully to my heart:  "sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me."  Luke 18:22   I, like that man, have kept the commandments from my youth, and in asking what lack I yet, it is this:  I need to let go of the things of this world, choose only that which is best, letting go of even the good, so that I have room in my life to follow Christ.  I recently read an article by Enzio Busche in which he said: "And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better"  God asks us to give up all our stuff from this world so He can give us something better.

Compared to most of mankind that has lived on this earth, we are very wealthy.  My possessions have kept me "cumbered about much" and therefore feeling that I am too busy to choose "that good part."  I have spent much time in acquiring, organizing, storing, cleaning up and maintaing stuff.  Much of which I very seldom have time to use.  I am saving it for when I get a chance to use it, but the chance never comes because I am to busy caring for other stuff.  I really want to spend my time and brainspace on my family relationships, serving, creating beauty and learning about this fascinating world.  I want to spend my energy to make the world happier, more beautiful, more wholesome.  I believe that as I purge my load of stuff, I will better be able to follow the Savior.  After all, he lived simply, without even a place to lay his head.

I am learning that much of our money stress is caused by unneeded expectations and wants and habits that do not satisfy the soul or bring true happiness.  These have come from the false traditions of our fathers, by living in the prosperous top of our cycle in history or pride cycle, and simply our consumer culture.  

Consuming is not what brings joy and satisfaction.  Producing is.  Eating a watermelon you have grown yourself is so much more satisfying, not just because it has greater flavor and nutrition, and is a different color than any in the grocery store, but because your soul has been nourished and fed through the process of growing it.  I have worked in partnership with God to create, and I have exercised faith, patience and consistency and knowledge.  

Now when it comes down to the actual implementing of these ideals it does get difficult at times.  It means I am letting go of past hobbies and projects - scrapbooking, art and craft supplies,cook books, cake pans and muffin tins, lots of fancy serving dishes, cloth napkins, and table cloths,  tubs of fabric, boxes of school manipulatives, curriculum and other supplies, waffle irons, curling irons, hair ribbons, and cooking gadgets. And oh the clothes...  and toys...  and books... and empty storage tubs. We are only keeping the very best of things in our life.  

Choosing what to get rid of is like peeling an onion.  I clean out a cupboard, getting rid of things I don't need, then a month later I revisit that cupboard and can now see much more that I don't need.  I got rid of 2/3 of my clothes a month ago, and now I can tell which of the clothes left I really love and wear often and which ones I don't... so there are more I can get rid of.  I have taken many minivan loads to DI, and I have several to go. 

But it is exciting and liberating and purposeful and powerful.  I am choosing to change my life to bring more of Christ and his gospel, more service, more time with my children and husband, more growing of real food, more learning and teaching. 

More joy, less stuff.  That is being a powerful mother.

How I WANT to Feed My Family:

Real Food.  

Grown in soil teaming with bacterial and fugal life - Yes I am a firm believer that bacteria and fungus are more often our friends than our enemies.
On my own property or at least in my own town.
Fresh. Colorful. Diverse. Simple.
All (or at least most) of the original nutrient and flavor and texture is still in it.
I know when it was harvested and everyone that has handled it.
Nutrient dense, high brix - our refractometer is one of our favorite toys.
Without hormones, toxins, pesticides, heavy metals soaked in due to the acidic environment.
Grass/pasture raised animals, raw milk, natural yeast bread, cultured foods.

Jonathan took me on a walk the other morning as asked me what my dreams are.  I dream of the fully developed, beautifully designed property.  The kind where breakfast consists of fresh eggs, and berries that you pick on your way to gather them.
The kind of farming and gardening that we are learning about now is sooooo different from the typical models we grew up with.  It is far more exciting than even the raised beds, and bio-intense planting and high-brix methods we have experimented with.

It is smart farming - actually brilliant.  You design everything to follow the patterns in nature, yet work to man's advantage.  You use animals to work for you - do the tilling and fertilizing and pest control.  You plant diverse food forests that are self-sustaining year after year.  You build earthworks so that the water harvested on your property automatically waters your garden.

The best part is that hard work now, pays back continually in the future.

Jonathan and I have been delving into books and courses on permaculture for the past year and in two weeks we are going to a conference to learn more, and connect with others who are succesfully using these principles.

If you are into self-reliance, gardening, or want to be awed at the abundant potential of the earth God gave us watch the free movies from Geoff Lawton.  Jonathan and I ended up taking his full coarse and feel we were led to a classic that has blessed our lives.