There is a bridge over the deep, dark chasm.

I have often likened depression to a deep chasm.  I end up at the bottom without knowing how.  It is dark, and cold, and lonely and terrifying.  When I am down there I cannot see my way up, nor can I see the blue sky, green trees and grass, flowers, or hear the birds singing.  Instead I only see the ugly, swampy, deadness.  I hear lies, that sound like my own voice telling me there is no hope:  "I am doomed to feel miserable forever.  Life is too hard, it is not worth putting forth the effort to make it better, because there is no such thing as better.  People who seem happy are only putting on a show.  Or they are simply stronger, smarter, more capable than I am."

This past couple of weeks I have been dealing with some depression again.  But instead of ending up in a chasm, it was only a valley.  I could hear the lies.  Life seemed somewhat bleak.  But I was able to keep my heart focused on truths.  I did not once lose my temper of become sharp or unkind to my children or husband.  I was not enthusiastic, encouraging or fun-loving as want to be, but I was not mean like I usually become with depression.  I did have one bout when my negative, critical view escaped my mouth, but I was able to get control of it before too long.  I kept my Eternal Warriors commitments to pray, write and read, as well as my other three mother goals.  I made good progress on preparing our house for selling.  All this, while not feeling much energy or enthusiasm - more like lethargy and apathy.  Seeing many negatives all around me and in me.

Yesterday evening it was peaking.  I was really down, crying.  Discouraged that it wasn't going to pass despite my doing all I know to get out of it.  Exercise, listening to conference, healthy diet, oils.  I had even written down my automatic thoughts (Satan's lies) and written countering truths, but nothing was helping.

Then I was given a new vision of my situation.  This depression was not a valley.  It was still a chasm, as dark and deep as any I have faced, but the Lord had been holding me up as I journeyed across.  He had provided a bridge across it.  Because I had been doing my part, and seeking to do His will, and because He wanted to bless me, I was not feeling the miserable, dark depths, but only a shallow portion of it.

I rejoice that the Lord is merciful.  That he desires our joy.  That His plan for us is perfect.  Without tasting the darkness of depression, I would not comprehend the brilliant beauty that life is meant to be.  It is always a humbling reminder of my dependence upon my Savior for my happiness, and strengthens my faith and love for Him.  He is the way to escape the chasm, whether by means of a way to climb out from the depths, or in merciful goodness to provide a bridge across.

 

Increasing my mother heart

My prayers and journal are becoming more and more consumed with how I can help my children to reach their dreams, and fulfill their God-given potential and purpose on this earth, and less about my own personal struggles and projects.  I have heard many times that having a clear mission statement that you recite, and daily consider will change you, yet I am still amazed as I feel it happen to me. The Lord is slowly and surely guiding me to become to become a Powerful, Purposeful, and Nurturing Mother.

Kate - My courageous 15 year old, has big dreams for her future - but her current project is to compete in the Shakespeare Festival with a dance and  ballroom open at Gem State.  For both of these she needs private lessons with a choreographer, and costumes.  This is expensive.  So she has devised a plan to earn the money.  She is going to put on some fabulous summer camps for children.  She has held Fairy Ettiquette camps in the past to earn money for lessons and had a lot of fun, and great responses from the girls and their mothers.  She will be holding these again this summer, but also branching out to hold a Sons and Daughters of Freedom camp.  She loves America, our Constitution and the God-inspired, liberty driven men and women who established our country and gave us the blessed, prosperous lives we know.  She wants to share that love and teach about the requirements and costs of keeping that liberty. She is creating a plan using games, stories, and music to teach the principles of freedom to 8-12 year olds.

I love her ideas, and support them whole-heartedly, if with some fear and trepidation over the amount of work ahead.  I know she will learn tons from the experience and bless those who participate with a wonderful experience too!

Cassidy has decided she loves violin and wants to buy her own.  So she is working and saving to earn money for this.  She also wants to do a study group this coming school year focusing on American History and Permaculture Gardening.  She hopes to find a small, dedicated group of peers to join her on her journey.

Wyatt's current dream is to create a new breed of dog.  Random?  He is planning to accomplish his Bear before the new Cub Scout program is released - no small amount of work.  He also is determined that he needs more boy time to get out all his energy.  He has a fabulous math brain like his father and the same thoughtful, tender heart.

Mille is my fragile child, for lack of a better word.  She has fragile feelings and is very socially aware despite her inability to show it.  This comes out in all kinds of struggles - toileting accidents, eating, getting dressed, going to therapy and simply being included or not in the activities of her friends and cousins.  She is physically a tiny thing, and is calmer, more still and cautious than most children.  Mille has an amazing light within her.  It usually is shining so that others quickly come to love her warm smile, contagious giggle, and eagerness to love and be loved.  She often is on my mind, wondering how I can help her to learn to function in this world, to see her own strengths and fight through her weaknesses.  To keep her innocence safe and her heart protected because it seems extra pure and extra sensitive to damage from the harshness of this world.

Janey is physically strong and robust.  She is energetic and spunky, determined and quick to pick things up.  She loves hugs and books, food and outside.  She needs constant watching and guiding to avoid the appearance of a tornado having whirled its way through our house.  She is my
"Beautiful baby, beautiful child.
Gentle and maybe just a little bit wild."

I love being a mother.  It is heart-wrenching, challenging, thrilling.  I will never reach a plateau or boredom because I can always become infinitely better.  It is my ground for becoming.

How I am Changing the World

I had a fun conversation today with a friend who is mulling over education choices for her children. Her oldest will be in kindergarten in the fall.  She is a brilliant woman, a careful mother and doing her homework.  She has looked at the local public elementary, has researched the charter schools around, and is wanting to explore the options in the homeschool world.  I was impressed with her careful look at all the options.

She is also searching for more fulfillment in her life.  She treasures motherhood, and has a one day a week profession that gives her adult interaction, however she is very honest with herself about the struggles of boredom, loneliness and monotony that can be the bane of homemaking.  Nevertheless, she is courageously considering the possibility of quitting the job to be home full time even as she worries that she will be miserable without something to stimulate her mind.

I say hooray for wanting to be a full time mother!  That is a mother-heart calling for its divine potential.

And yes, bored, overwhelmed, and stagnated with dishes, diapers, and laundry is a very real and common situation with moms.

So how do mothers find joy in the day to day difficulties of runny noses, 2 year old tantrums, and coaxing 7 year olds to eat their broccoli or feed the dog, or practice their spelling list?  How do mothers not lose themselves completely in the piles of laundry - to wake up one day not knowing who they are or why they are trying to match stray socks?

First, my grandmother taught me to darn socks by saying "That darn sock has a hole." and then throw it in the trash.  I apply this amply to stray socks as well.

As to finding joy in the mundane, and retaining a sense of self the key is knowing why.  Why is what drives the choice, the action.  Being consciously aware of why you do something puts your emotion into it, aligns it with your core values.  Answering "Why?"  gives you your purpose.

Why do mothers change diapers, fix meals, wash dishes, wash and fold laundry, chauffeur children, read stories over and over, wipe noses, help with tedious homework, assign chores they could do faster, easier and better themselves, give consequences, clean bloody knees, and put band-aids on invisible owies?  It is because they know they are changing the world as they do it.  If they do a good job, they make the world better, they are shaping a life, bringing it closer to God and to joy, or further from it.  According to their choices that child will be blessed or experience misery.  No other position on earth has even close to as much influence on the lives of other human beings.

Motherhood is a position of power.  God gave it to women because of our natures.  We are not as easily power-hungry, or harsh.  It is a power that if wielded with wisdom, gentleness, nurturing, respect for agency, integrity and love, will produce great joy for the mother and her offspring. - Not to say that there won't be pain, challenges and mistakes by both mother and child - this is mortality, a practice ground.  But the Why remains strong.  Mothers do what they do because it is the noblest, most challenging, most rewarding thing they could do in a lifetime.  It is the work of God - to raise children.

But, you say, that Why is so hard to remember when you are up in the middle of the night mopping up vomit, or breaking up the umpteenth quarrel in a day.

The answer to that is we must keep learning and growing ourselves.  If we stagnate in our personal growth, our children will stagnate also.  If we are anxiously engaged in our own life long pursuit of knowledge, truth, and excellence so will our children be.

For me this growth has come from many different avenues.  I was impressed early in my motherhood by an article called "An Education without a Classroom" in which a young mother, surrounded by college students chose to keep learning via books from the local library and her kitchen table.  This inspired me to keep learning without excuse according to the situation I am in.   I have loved book groups, or Colloquia where everyone comes ready to discuss and learn a book that has changed them.  I use park days so kids can play and moms can talk or do a project together, teaching classes myself so that I have to study and prepare, personal mentoring, and occasionally a formal class or lessons.  Conferences are inspiring.  Always I have to plan in time weekly where I can visit with other women and learn from them and share what I am learning and thereby be strengthened.

The conclusion to all this is that this summer for my growth and hopefully that of a few other moms I am planning to have a weekly Mom's study group (held at a park so kids can play).  I have 3 different directions I am thinking of going, based on my current passions and learning and I'm looking for other interested moms.
A.  Creating a Master Inspire Plan for your family.  Reading, discussing and creating what you want for your family.
B.  Personal Discipline to gain control of your own thoughts and actions  - Eternal Warriors
C.  Permaculture:  A design system for gardening, self-reliance, and wholistic living.

If you live in the Weber/Davis area and are interested in learning with me on one of these this summer send me an email, text or FB message with what topic you like and I will keep you posted as plans develop.

Your fellow learner,
Emily