There is a bridge over the deep, dark chasm.

I have often likened depression to a deep chasm.  I end up at the bottom without knowing how.  It is dark, and cold, and lonely and terrifying.  When I am down there I cannot see my way up, nor can I see the blue sky, green trees and grass, flowers, or hear the birds singing.  Instead I only see the ugly, swampy, deadness.  I hear lies, that sound like my own voice telling me there is no hope:  "I am doomed to feel miserable forever.  Life is too hard, it is not worth putting forth the effort to make it better, because there is no such thing as better.  People who seem happy are only putting on a show.  Or they are simply stronger, smarter, more capable than I am."

This past couple of weeks I have been dealing with some depression again.  But instead of ending up in a chasm, it was only a valley.  I could hear the lies.  Life seemed somewhat bleak.  But I was able to keep my heart focused on truths.  I did not once lose my temper of become sharp or unkind to my children or husband.  I was not enthusiastic, encouraging or fun-loving as want to be, but I was not mean like I usually become with depression.  I did have one bout when my negative, critical view escaped my mouth, but I was able to get control of it before too long.  I kept my Eternal Warriors commitments to pray, write and read, as well as my other three mother goals.  I made good progress on preparing our house for selling.  All this, while not feeling much energy or enthusiasm - more like lethargy and apathy.  Seeing many negatives all around me and in me.

Yesterday evening it was peaking.  I was really down, crying.  Discouraged that it wasn't going to pass despite my doing all I know to get out of it.  Exercise, listening to conference, healthy diet, oils.  I had even written down my automatic thoughts (Satan's lies) and written countering truths, but nothing was helping.

Then I was given a new vision of my situation.  This depression was not a valley.  It was still a chasm, as dark and deep as any I have faced, but the Lord had been holding me up as I journeyed across.  He had provided a bridge across it.  Because I had been doing my part, and seeking to do His will, and because He wanted to bless me, I was not feeling the miserable, dark depths, but only a shallow portion of it.

I rejoice that the Lord is merciful.  That he desires our joy.  That His plan for us is perfect.  Without tasting the darkness of depression, I would not comprehend the brilliant beauty that life is meant to be.  It is always a humbling reminder of my dependence upon my Savior for my happiness, and strengthens my faith and love for Him.  He is the way to escape the chasm, whether by means of a way to climb out from the depths, or in merciful goodness to provide a bridge across.

 

I am a mother who knows there is power in journaling.

For the past several weeks I have been going through all of my past journals, letters, and other writing.  My entries are not daily or even weekly, but there are many over the years.  I am finding things I had completely forgotten about.

Admittedly, I have been looking for the dark and negative pieces in order to gain clarification on my struggles with depression.  I have found plenty of black pearls, entries that show patterns, false beliefs, weaknesses, and heartaches.  From these I am able to see what I have changed and overcome, and what I still need to change.  I have made it for about 5 months now without a real dip into depression.  It has taunted me,  especially through some intense struggles in recent weeks, but I feel I am breaking new ground in understanding it, and that there is hope of casting it off forever.

Much to my joy, I have also found precious treasures of personal revelations, the tender mercies of God, and experiences and feelings that are evidence of goodness in my life.  It is a healing journey to see that in all my inconsistency and repeatedly making the same mistakes, I was consistently working at gaining wisdom, through study; I was consistently repenting and turning back to God - although many I times I had to be compelled to be humble; I was consistently trying to be a good mother, and slowly but surely gaining better skills, patience, and vision of what a good mother can be.

I have read things that I learned and loved, and have forgotten.  I feel a renewed hope in implementing these in my life.  My love of traditions that are meaningful, my love of the Constitution and liberty, my love of agency education - my love of writing!

I am a mother who knows

My blog theme comes from a Book of Mormon story:

There were a group of people who had been wicked and "bloodthirsty."  They were converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ, and took an oath to never use weapons of war again.  As a symbol of their covenant they dug a huge pit and buried all of their weapons.  Many years later these people were living in the protection of other believers in Christ.  Enemies were coming against them and they were supporting the war efforts by providing food for those who were fighting, people who did not have the same history and had not taken such an oath.  But they felt terribly the burden they were to those who were fighting in their defense.  It was then noted that their young sons had not taken the oath, and could go to war in defense of their families and freedom.  They were put in the charge of Helaman, and he called them his sons.  They fought in several battles and though all recieved injuries, not one was killed.  Here are some of Helaman's words describing them:

"Now they never had fought, yet they did not fear death; and they did think more upon the liberty of their fathers than they did upon their lives; yea, they had been taught by their mothers, that if they did not doubt, God would deliver them.  And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it." Alma 56:47-48

I love their mother's faith.  I love the hope that is shown by a people who had once been guilty of serious sin, but through repentance they had full faith and hope of the Lord blessing them. Sometimes I think that because of our bad choices, or negative past,  the consequence is that our children will inevitably have to suffer because of our weakness or sin.  Yes, their sons did have to go to war, and did receive battle wounds, but the Lord also had miracles in store that would strengthen their faith and prove his mercy to them because they had repented.  Therefore, I can have hope that as we strive to come unto Christ, our children will also be strengthened and the Lord will provide them with the experiences they need, to overcome whatever negative baggage they have picked up from us.

As a mother, I know that God will answer our prayers, if we do not doubt. 

I am a mother who knows what I want for Christmas. And it is a long list.

I want to be filled with the pure love of Christ - I want the gift of Charity.    

You see, for the past sixteen and a half years, I have fought off and on a terrible, dark, and ugly battle. Sometimes I have called it anger.  Sometimes I have called it depression.  I recently learned a new name for it: co-dependency.  Regardless of semantics, I would tumble down a chasm to a place without love - for myself, or others.  At the bottom of that chasm there is no hope, sometimes it is difficult to feel faith or remember any truth at all.  It was impossible to see anything positive.  I could pray, read, try to do thought changes, or look for blessings and only see failures, negatives, feel cold and dark.  It was hell.  If you have been there, you know.  If you haven't it probably makes no sense.

Here is the long list:

And charity:

suffereth long

is kind 

envieth not 

is not puffed up 

seeketh not her own

is not easily provoked

thinketh no evil

rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth

beareth all things

believeth all things

hopeth all things

endureth all things

Can I ask God to give me all of these gifts?  I know they are the answer to not going down into that chasm.  It is ironic, that for so many years I thought the chasm was of my own digging.  Somehow, something I was doing, or not doing, put me, without realizing it in a place where I would go heading down to the bottom, digging it deeper each time.  But I have learned that I didn't dig that pit.  Satan did.  And he laughs, so loud I can hear him, when I am at the bottom of it.  I have also learned that he doesn't wait to be invited before he pushes us toward the cliff.  He is constantly nudging us and those we love, often so subtly (he is the most subtle of all the beasts of the field) we don't feel or see it - like a silk thread slipping around you, one strand at a time.  Each strand is a glance in the mirror as I walk by and not liking what I see, or a thought of I'm too tired to wash those dishes, or why didn't he take care of that?  I have also learned that sometimes I get yanked into the chasm by someone I love when they go sliding down, because I am holding on to tightly to them.  That is co-dependency.

So how will my long Christmas list help change this awful pattern of misery?  

First, let me say that I have practiced, or at least thought about and studied, each of them with much purpose at times.  When I am not in the bottom of that chasm I am working on several of them at any given time.  Climbing out of the chasm requires believing and hoping for all things.  I have read books on, sought mentoring on and written and practiced diligently on the "not easily provoked and thinketh no evil."  Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth is probably my strongest on that list - I would say it is a gift I was given at a very young age.  Being at the bottom of the chasm has felt like suffering and enduring.  I am not asking for a gift I know nothing about.

Charity and all its parts will help me change this pattern by tying me to the Savior, Jesus Christ.  If I am firmly yoked to Him, then I will not be pulled by Satan, or even those I love. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light," because when I am yoked to the Savior I am tasting, and feeling of his pure love - Charity, and it is sweet.   

The following passage gives me hope that I can be given this gift for Christmas.  I am praying to my Father in Heaven, "who giveth to all men liberrally."  

Moroni 7: 45 - 48 "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;

President Uctdorf's message this month says this:

"Jesus the Christ, who knew perfectly how to give, set for us the pattern for giving. To those whose hearts are heavy with loneliness and sorrow, He brings compassion and comfort. To those whose bodies and minds are afflicted with illness and suffering, He brings love and healing. To those whose souls are burdened with sin, He offers hope, forgiveness, and redemption."

I have recieved each of these gifts from my Savior.  I am asking for Charity for Christmas, so that I can follow His example, and share with others what He has given me.