Liber, part 1

[Li-ber] 1. free  2.  bark, a book  3. to engage in contract  4. education for a free people

I have loved this word for many years.  I first learned it in a thirsty quest to understand the freedom of a nation. Our nation: America.  I became painfully aware that many of our freedoms were being lost through misuse of government power.  I grieved at this awakening.  I became passionate about learning and understanding what government was supposed to be, and what it had become.  I wanted to know what I could do to make a difference for good, to try and change the tide.  The answer led me to this word: liber.

 I have since learned that liber, the root of liberty and library, has application to every area of my life. My personal self governance; my health, both physical and mental; relationships; parenting; education; finances; the war with Satan; food, clothing, shelter.  Each area of freedom won, has been a journey of learning.

I have found a pattern in the journey to liber.  It is 1. pain, 2. a realization of one's bondage, 3. a quest for knowledge, 4. working to grasp, gain and eventually master the skills learned about, 5. then engaging with world in the paradigm of your new-found freedom.

My bondage to a chaotic, over-paced world led me to want self-governance.  I found myself spread too thin between motherhood, homemaking, social and educational activities.  Life was somewhat without purpose, just reactionary.  Someone would present me with an idea, I would get excited about it.  I would start down the road with conviction and find myself knee-deep in it, too tired to go on, and not sure it was worth it, so I would only half-heartedly contintue, until all the drive had petered out and I quit...only to feel guilty about the long train of unfinished projects and goals I had trailing behind me.  I had not the discipline to accomplish.  I had not the clarity of vision to choose the right path for me.

I kept reading about successful people.  People who made a difference in the world around them - whether famous or not, they lived according to their convictions.  They found joy in living because they knew they were right before God, and they were accomplishing their mission on earth.  I wanted a mission, something to be passionate about, but deep down I knew that I did not have the discipline or skills to do much.  I wanted them, so I took a leap of faith and courage - one of the most humbling and frightening steps in my life, and it started me on a new path.  A path to self-governance, where I can choose the way I spend my time, and know that I am right before God, and that He does have a work for me to do on this earth - something I am passionate about!

That step was finding a mentor.

I am a mother who knows how to say "I'm Sorry"

Mortality is about practicing.  Everyday I try to live as Jesus would.  Everyday I make some mistakes.  Some days I do something really wrong.  And I feel aweful.  But I can say that the trend if I were charting my progress is definitely moving upward toward living who I want to be - who God wants me to be.

Today I made a big mistake.  I "blew up" as Wyatt, my 9 year old said it.  I lost a battle with Satan.  In hind sight I can see where the little thoughts started coming in.  "This is not going how I planned."  "I'm never going to get my list done."  "I should be getting more help from ____ and  ____ and ____."  "Why is my baby so fussy today.  It is not possible to both love the little ones and teach the older ones to work, and get all the work done."  "Jonathan said he would be home a half hour ago.  Where is he?"  They are just common thoughts of busy motherhood.  But they each have a negative connotation.  They are lacking hope, and trust in God's plan for me.  They are lacking patience and certainly joy.  

That is how Satan works with me.  Subtly.  Nothing so strikingly wrong that I stop and throw it out right then.  But those little thoughts spill into emotions,  I started to become short, unpleasant in my interactions.  Then one more straw...  Today it was two of my children arguing with each other.  I joined in the fight in a most ridiculous way.  I came storming in and yelled at them, and told them if they were going to yell they had to go outside.  

I immediately recognized the absurdity of what I was saying, and because I felt terrible for my behavior, it came out as miserable, which equates to more sharp words as I tried to justify myself by explaining why they were in the wrong.  I hate this ridiculous mortal tendency.  I always want to prove I wasn't so bad, so I go on doing bad.

After giving myself 3 time-outs.  One outside - my just punishment for yelling in the house.  Then one in my room as I rocked my baby to sleep. - That is a very soothing, and calming ritual - what a blessing to me.  My third timeout was sitting on the couch downstairs in deep thought, going over the day and all that led up to my losing  the battle with Satan.  This is called a lost battle analysis and it helps me to prepare differently so that I can win the next battle.

Finally, I was ready to apologize.  To each child individually, then to my Father in Heaven, with my family gathered around me.  I pleaded for the Holy Spirit to come back into our home, that we could feel love and enjoy the remainder of the day, and I acknowledged that it was my fault that a contentious spirit - one of Satan's had entered our home.

Heavenly Father answered that prayer abundantly.  We were a close and happy family the rest of today.

I am a Mother who knows which way I face.

I face everyone around me.  I am safe with the Lord at my back.  I take counsel from the Lord in how I am to interact with all around me.  I do not take counsel from those around me and then try to persuade the Lord of my own will.

Actually, the above statements are positive affirmations - what I am striving for.  Jesus Christ, in submitting his own will to that of the Father is the only one who has flawlessly lived always remembering which way he faced.

I have actually learned that I have a lot of work to do in this area.  As I first listened to this talk, I thought it was about the LDS culture vs. the world's culture, the gospel vs. the philosophies of men, Christians vs. Babylon.  As I studied it, I realized the lesson I need to gain is in my close relationships.  A close inspection of my life, has shown me that all to often I am fearing man more than God in the form of my husband, mother, sisters, children, friends.  I am trusting in my husband more than God at times too.  I have chosen the right way to face many times, too.  I don't believe in dichotomy.  But I have been shown where I can improve.

With my husband there are a million examples, the first that comes to mind is getting out of bed in the morning, especially on the weekend.  I set a goal, or have a core value of getting up by a certain time, but Jonathan wants to stay in bed and sleep or talk, so often I stay with him - trying to be unified with him, more than God.

With my children, it most often happens when I have to carry out a consequence or enforce a family rule.  I know my child is going to resist, I may deal with a fit, or rolling of eyes, or some other negative feedback, and I fear it more than teaching them what God has asked of us in responsibility and self-government.

My sisters, mother and other friends or family usually looks like going along with their plans or accepting their invitation, even when I know it is not the best choice for me or my family at the time.  This is trusting in their plans more than God's plan for me, or fearing to disappoint or damage our relationships. (That last fear is largely unfounded.)

At Crossfit, it is the Music.  Sometimes the music playing is way outside of acceptable standards - is offensive to the spirit.  I have yet to ask for it to be changed.  But a good friend recently told me she has several times.  I have feared man more than God on that one.

I know that as I follow the Lord, submit to His will, fear Him more than Man, and trust Him I will find more peace, more joy, more happiness.  That is His desire for His children.

I have two books that discuss these topics from different directions:
Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem and Co-Dependant No More.


These thoughts are in response to the talk Which Way Do You Face? by Elder Robbins.