Lost a battle and learned a lesson.

Wednesdays are our crazy evenings.  Jonathan has a class so he leaves in the morning and doesn't come home until 9:30.  I have a class that starts at 7pm, and before that we have piano, violin, and Crossfit.  Slip dinner and bedtime routines into the mix also.  It is a stressful night.  After dinner tonight we were all cleaning up, when my bouncy boy Wyatt, knocked a plate of pomegranate seeds and skins out of his sisters hand and we had red jewels flying all over the floor.

I yelled at him. :(

It was the first time I have yelled in a few weeks.  I immediately felt awful - making it tempting to justify myself with more rudeness, but gratefully I stopped, took a deep breath and said I was sorry for yelling.  I admitted I was in the wrong, and calmly asked him to clean it up.

Yelling is not part of the powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother I am.  That is not part of our family culture.  We are at war to eradicate contention and rudeness from our home.  When it is there it is Satan's doing.

In my class, they asked the questions "When did you last lose a battle, and how did Satan attack you?"  "How will he try to attack you next time?"  "What can you do to prepare so that you won't lose that next  battle?"   I had the epiphany that Satan attacks me with unexpected little hiccups at busy or stressful times.  The dirty diaper that has to be changed when you are already late for an appointment. The important paper I needed that my 5 year old sharpened her cutting skills on.  The muddy boots all through the house right as company is arriving.  These are little things - no one's eternal salvation is at stake.  No one has really been injured or committed a crime they cannot learn from and correct - if Mom's stays calm enough to teach them and allow them to learn.
But throw in a little extra stress  and I Mom often loses her cool.  Not any more!  Now I can see it coming.  It is Murphy's law that if something can go wrong it will.  This is mortality, it is about becoming better, stronger, smarter, kinder.  When I can see that Satan wants me to snap and yell and throw my own immature fit, especially if I can hurt a child's feelings, or put them on the defensive so they don't learn from their mistakes, then I do get angry!  I get angry at Satan, and I am not going to let him into my home through my actions!  I will now expect that if I am busy or stressed, there will be little problems, unplanned added challenges, and I will face them with calm.  I will communicate to my children with love.  Because that is my core value.  That is who I am: a powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother.

The Power in Purging

We are selling our almost 4000 sq ft house and moving to one that is 2000 sq ft or less.  At first our motive was primarily to get rid of our mortgage, but the more I get rid of stuff in preparation for our move, the more freedom I feel.  My home is less cluttered.  I spend less time picking up, and more time studying and being with people.  Cleaning is easier, my closets and drawer and entire house feels tidier.  My brain has less to worry about.  My soul feels lighter!

The Savior's counsel to the rich man has spoken powerfully to my heart:  "sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me."  Luke 18:22   I, like that man, have kept the commandments from my youth, and in asking what lack I yet, it is this:  I need to let go of the things of this world, choose only that which is best, letting go of even the good, so that I have room in my life to follow Christ.  I recently read an article by Enzio Busche in which he said: "And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better"  God asks us to give up all our stuff from this world so He can give us something better.

Compared to most of mankind that has lived on this earth, we are very wealthy.  My possessions have kept me "cumbered about much" and therefore feeling that I am too busy to choose "that good part."  I have spent much time in acquiring, organizing, storing, cleaning up and maintaing stuff.  Much of which I very seldom have time to use.  I am saving it for when I get a chance to use it, but the chance never comes because I am to busy caring for other stuff.  I really want to spend my time and brainspace on my family relationships, serving, creating beauty and learning about this fascinating world.  I want to spend my energy to make the world happier, more beautiful, more wholesome.  I believe that as I purge my load of stuff, I will better be able to follow the Savior.  After all, he lived simply, without even a place to lay his head.

I am learning that much of our money stress is caused by unneeded expectations and wants and habits that do not satisfy the soul or bring true happiness.  These have come from the false traditions of our fathers, by living in the prosperous top of our cycle in history or pride cycle, and simply our consumer culture.  

Consuming is not what brings joy and satisfaction.  Producing is.  Eating a watermelon you have grown yourself is so much more satisfying, not just because it has greater flavor and nutrition, and is a different color than any in the grocery store, but because your soul has been nourished and fed through the process of growing it.  I have worked in partnership with God to create, and I have exercised faith, patience and consistency and knowledge.  

Now when it comes down to the actual implementing of these ideals it does get difficult at times.  It means I am letting go of past hobbies and projects - scrapbooking, art and craft supplies,cook books, cake pans and muffin tins, lots of fancy serving dishes, cloth napkins, and table cloths,  tubs of fabric, boxes of school manipulatives, curriculum and other supplies, waffle irons, curling irons, hair ribbons, and cooking gadgets. And oh the clothes...  and toys...  and books... and empty storage tubs. We are only keeping the very best of things in our life.  

Choosing what to get rid of is like peeling an onion.  I clean out a cupboard, getting rid of things I don't need, then a month later I revisit that cupboard and can now see much more that I don't need.  I got rid of 2/3 of my clothes a month ago, and now I can tell which of the clothes left I really love and wear often and which ones I don't... so there are more I can get rid of.  I have taken many minivan loads to DI, and I have several to go. 

But it is exciting and liberating and purposeful and powerful.  I am choosing to change my life to bring more of Christ and his gospel, more service, more time with my children and husband, more growing of real food, more learning and teaching. 

More joy, less stuff.  That is being a powerful mother.

How I WANT to Feed My Family:

Real Food.  

Grown in soil teaming with bacterial and fugal life - Yes I am a firm believer that bacteria and fungus are more often our friends than our enemies.
On my own property or at least in my own town.
Fresh. Colorful. Diverse. Simple.
All (or at least most) of the original nutrient and flavor and texture is still in it.
I know when it was harvested and everyone that has handled it.
Nutrient dense, high brix - our refractometer is one of our favorite toys.
Without hormones, toxins, pesticides, heavy metals soaked in due to the acidic environment.
Grass/pasture raised animals, raw milk, natural yeast bread, cultured foods.

Jonathan took me on a walk the other morning as asked me what my dreams are.  I dream of the fully developed, beautifully designed property.  The kind where breakfast consists of fresh eggs, and berries that you pick on your way to gather them.
The kind of farming and gardening that we are learning about now is sooooo different from the typical models we grew up with.  It is far more exciting than even the raised beds, and bio-intense planting and high-brix methods we have experimented with.

It is smart farming - actually brilliant.  You design everything to follow the patterns in nature, yet work to man's advantage.  You use animals to work for you - do the tilling and fertilizing and pest control.  You plant diverse food forests that are self-sustaining year after year.  You build earthworks so that the water harvested on your property automatically waters your garden.

The best part is that hard work now, pays back continually in the future.

Jonathan and I have been delving into books and courses on permaculture for the past year and in two weeks we are going to a conference to learn more, and connect with others who are succesfully using these principles.

If you are into self-reliance, gardening, or want to be awed at the abundant potential of the earth God gave us watch the free movies from Geoff Lawton.  Jonathan and I ended up taking his full coarse and feel we were led to a classic that has blessed our lives. 

We work for the Glory of God.

That is the first line of our family mission statement.

Over a year ago, our family took an evening in a nearby nature park to contemplate what God wanted of us as a family.  We asked each of our children to go off alone and pray for their own mission from Heavenly Father to guide them at this time.  Jonathan and I stayed together and asked God for helping in creating a family mission statement that would guide us in parenting, and guide our family in following Him. This is what he gave us:

We work for the glory of God.

We are secure in who we are and in our missions in life.  

We are economically, emotionally and spiritually capable and independent.  

We care for ourselves and serve others.

We are physically and mentally fit.

We are children of Christ because we accept His atonement and make and keep covenants with Him.

Our children each recieved their own mission statements that are sweet and beautiful too!
Kate - If I find the paths, God will show me which ones to take.
Cassidy - To obey and honor my parents.  Live like Him, Love like Him, Learn about Him.  Learn my school lessons.
Wyatt  - My mission is to do my duty to God
Mille - Obey, Be kind, Learn and Grow

This morning Mille, my adorable 5 year old, had a major breakdown.  It was over wanting some fruit leather, and I told her she had to put away her clothes first.  She was crying, then screaming and beyond the point of reason.
I wanted to handle it like a good, powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother.  I was not going to give in on the leather and knew that after the fit she could not have it at all, regardless of putting away her clothes. I had the dilemma of what to do during her fit - which sometimes last for over an hour - and that seems an eternity.  I know there are many parts of her getting upset that are because I have not always kept firm rules and boundaries with her - I am a very imperfect mother.  And it is only recently that she has gained enough language skills to have a logical conversation, where I understand her, and feel she understands what I am saying.  So we are in a transition phase of holding her to a higher expectation of social behavior.
I was at my wits end, pleading silently for God to help me, when my good husband called so we could have our morning prayer. (I was asleep when he left for work, because I had stayed up late writing the night before, but he is the one who told me all good writers write between the hours of 10 and midnight or 5 and 7am - I am still hopeful of training my body to those morning hours eventually, but for now, night is definately when my mind wants to spew forth thoughts.)
I left Mille screaming in the middle of the kitchen floor and went to a quiet room, locked the door and we prayed.  Then I went about my chores, until I heard her start to calm down.  From there the Spirit took over.  I was given the words to say.  I asked if I could hold her - touch sometimes really sets her off.  She said yes.  Then I asked her if she knew why she was in timeout (meaning mom is ignoring her)  She tried to deflect the conversation with tangents and I kept going back to that question until she said no.  Then I told her it was because she was screaming and crying.
I don't remember the whole conversation, but she wanted to talk about choosing the right, and about choosing the wrong.  Then I told her how proud I was of all the things she had learned how to do this year - get herself dressed, do zippers, count, recognize most of the letters and say their sounds, feed herself.

I told her there was a new skill I wanted to teach her.  It is called "Okay"  I asked her to say that and she did and giggled.  Then I said it is really tricky to say it when someone tell you "no."  Do you think you can say "okay" if I tell you "no?"
She nodded.
Ask me for a treat
"Can I have a treat?"  with a glimmer of excitement in her eyes.
"Mille, this is where you have to say okay and it is going to be hard.  No, you can't have a treat."
Pause, she looked unsure.
Mom - "Say 'okay'"
Mille- "Okay"
Mom - "Great job" with lots of enthusiasm and a high five.

Then we practiced a few more times.  When Cassidy and Wyatt came in, we showed them, and had them try it. When dad got home, we practiced again to show him.

It was pure inspiration - and strength from on high - My heart was full of gratitude for a Savior who helps me in my daily struggles.

What I am fighting for

I am taking a class called Eternal Warriors.  It's purpose it to teach how to fight against Satan and his attacks on us, especially to help one gain mastery over the natural man so that we are able to live by our core values.
Satan has been working for 7000 years to tempt God's children to forget what they really care about and act according to immediate desires.  He has gotten very good at it.  He is the most subtle of all the beasts, and he has an army helping him.  His battle plan includes taking out the leaders in God's army, the faithful, good men and women trying to build God's kingdom and prepare for the Second Coming of our Lord.
Satan wants to destroy me, so I must fight.  He wants to destroy my family.  So I will fight.  I fight because I love God, and I know that God loves me and desires my happiness.  Satan desires my misery.  I fight because I love my husband and children and what to be with them for eternity.  I fight because I am a momma bear who is willing to protect her children from Satan's contentious attacks on our home no matter how difficult, no matter how many times I have to get back up after being knocked down, no matter how tired I am or how repetitive and discouraging the battles may seem.

I fight with hope, because I am on the Lord's side and He has all power - over Satan.  He has power to strengthen me, guide me and help me in the battle.

The order of my priorities

This is a pep talk and reminder to myself.  I find myself enjoying Crossfit more and more, in fact I have this crazy dream of getting to regionals in spring 2016.  Jonathan has dome some research on what stats I need to reach in order to be competitive at that level.  With some serious, dedicated hard work and a healthy sized miracle I believe it is possible. – But here’s the catch:

I have to keep my priorities straight if I want the Lord’s help (the miracle part) and Crossfit is pretty low on the list.  That being said, I keep getting the answer that if I will keep my life in balance and my priorities straight the Lord will bless me in my crazy dream.  This week I got my first muscle-up!

Priority #1:  God.              

I need to keep my relationship with the Lord strong, so I can have His guidance and help.  His commandments come before my desires.  He knows all and has all power.  His whole desire is our happiness so I trust Him and His plan for me.

Priority #2:  Myself.         

I have to take care of my own needs before I can help anyone else in a legitimate, sustained way.  It is the concept of putting on your own oxygen mask first.  I have spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical needs.  I have to take care of the basics in each area continually.  If I do not, before long I run into problems and breakdown enough that I am no longer effective in reaching goals or serving others.  Recognizing and addressing all four areas helps me keep balance in my life.

Priority #3: Husband.      

Jonathan solidly comes next.  As I actively love him, and nurture our relationship, he in turn loves, serves and builds me.  When there is distance, frustration or problems in our marriage, everything below on my list suffers too.  I learned that concept in a class years ago, and have since noticed how true it is.  In fact, it is so true that if I am struggling with my children, it is an c that things are not solid in my marriage, and likewise if I am struggling in my marriage the solution is to work on taking care of myself and strengthening my relationship with God.  I have a couple hard-fast rules that help me keep the order of priority to my husband:  Always back up or defend Jonathan in front of our children, and keep all disagreements private.  I sit by him in church, at dinner, family prayer, etc.  We always have a date night each week.

Priority #4  Children

This goes back to my mission statement: I am a powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother.  This is where the majority of my time and energy goes.  However I can spend that time distracted by other thoughts and wishes, annoyed or frustrated at the mundane repetitiveness of mothering or I can engage in this, the most challenging and rewarding vocation on earth, and put forth my very best of every talent and gift God has given me to understanding and meeting the ever changing needs of my children.  One of my favorite articles on the role of mother is The Emancipation of Domesticity by G.K. Chesterson

Priority #5 Church

I believe that God expects His children to serve him.  I have a responsibility to do my part in carrying forth his work on the earth.  He blesses me vastly more in return for my small acts of service. 

Priority #6 Relationships

This is my extended family, friends, neighbors, etc.  I will only find joy in life inasmuch as I nurture healthy relationships.  My darkest times, and deepest heartaches are all hinged on broken or missing relationships.

Priority #7 My temporal stewardship

In other words, my home, car, bank account, land, and other possessions.  This could be called homemaking, inasmuch as it affects the needs and nurturing of my children, I categorize it under children.  When it goes beyond the basic needs of food, shelter, clothing I consider it a lower priority. I have responsibility to maintain, care for and improve all that God has given me.  My love of land, soil, plants, animals, and real food can pull me way beyond the basic needs of my children, but they are good things to learn and seek to improve on.  If we multiply that which the Lord gives us, he will bless us with yet more.  Parable of talents

Priority #8  Crossfit

And any other hobbies.  There is of coarse an element of Crossfit that belongs to taking care of my body and health and that is #2, but Crossfit as a hobby, where I am going beyond keeping average fitness, and trying to be competitive and make significant improvements in my strength, skills, endurance, speed, etc is well beyond the requirement of taking care of myself.  It has become a source of recreation, a goal that I know is not required for happiness.  The things I am learning as I work at it - things like consistency, focus, learning to control my mind to control my body, do bring a new depth or element to my life that is helping in all aspects.  I can use this endeavor to become a better person in all areas of my life, or I can let it consume me and let all my higher priorities fall behind.  

I am consciously choosing to keep my priorities straight, according to my core values and therefore qualify for the miracles God desires to send me.

Powerful, Purposeful, Nurturing Motherhood

That is my mission.

Several weeks ago God told me my mission was motherhood.  I have been mulling this over, reworking my goals and priorities accordingly, and trying to understand it. The past couple weeks I have been asking for more clarity, for more specific insight into the direction of motherhood God wants me to take.  Tonight as I lay in bed the words came clear and strong:

Powerful, Purposeful, Nurturing Motherhood

I was grateful for the clear revelation, and excited to go to sleep, but the Spirit would not let me. When God speaks to me, I must treasure His words, and for me that means writing them down.

Powerful means that I am firm, vocal, unbending in choosing, defending and teaching that which is good, right, and true.  I refuse, speak against, and fight against - as occasion affords - anything which is bad, wrong, or false.

Purposeful means that I carefully choose the direction I take my family.  I think through the consequences and long term effects of what and how I teach, talk to, interact with and bless my children.  I don't do things because they are normal, easy, or convenient.  Nor do I do them because they are different, hard, or challenging.  I choose how to parent, how to live, how to work, how to teach, how to love, how to play because of guidance from God, and the real long-term outcomes.

Nurturing means that I desire, and work for the growth of my children.  I have charity, gentleness, and meekness as a mother.  I desire their spiritual growth most of all.  I want them to have faith in Jesus Christ, to understand His atonement, and follow His plan of happiness.  I also desire their physical, mental, and emotional growth.