Liber Part 3, Humility

If I put my hand on a hot surface, the pain causes me to remove it.  Pain is my body's indicator that I need to change my action to prevent more damage.  Physical pain is usually more obvious to us, but in my experience, emotional and mental pain is more excruciating.  When I am hurting inside, I feel trapped and I want out.  I am highly motivated to make a change.

But, can we change without hitting rock bottom? Can we make significant changes to our lives and overcome weakness, change habits and paradigms, become a different person without an impetus as strong as pain?  I used to believe, that for me at least, the answer was no.  I would see something I wanted, but was unable to attain it.  I would start down a path toward it, but never reach the destination.  I would pick up a stick only to drop it again.  My experiences were telling me the answer was no.  But that  was still seeing through the lense of pain.

Little did I know I was making changes all along.  Changes for the better.  They were just small.  I was on the path I wanted to be on, it was just at a walking pace.  Some of those changes were motivated by pain, but in actuality the changes motivated by pain are the ones that slowed my pace.   If pain motivated me to pick up the scriptures or pray, once the pain was gone, I slacked off.  (Does this sound like the pride cycle in the Book of Mormon?) I only ever had one Psychology class in college, and it was on behaviorism.  In it, I learned that when pain (or punishment) is the motivator, the change is not as likely to last as when a positive reinforcement is the motivator.  When the cat is away the mice will play.

The lasting changes come from a desire for something good.  Freedom from bondage comes when we see a glorious destination and keep our focus on it long enough to get there.  When relieving pain is our motivation to change we are to some degree blinded by that pain, we do not see clearly, and any action that relieves the pain even temporarily seems like the right choice.  When in reality, we may be walking into a bigger pain down the road by changing according to what relieves the current pain.

For example, yesterday afternoon, I was busy, moody and hungry.  I was feeling a pain.  I took the first option I found to relieve that pain, it was peanut butter filled pretzels - junk food.  It temporarily relieved my hunger, was a comfort food for my moodiness, and took no time to prepare.  But that choice, in the long run, gave me a miserable experience at Crossfit a couple of hours later - physical pain.  And last night I was commiserating to Jonathan about changing my diet, and frustrated with my repeated inconsistency and failure - an emotional pain.  Both of which were greater than my initial discomfort earlier in the afternoon.

Choices based on pain, are usually looking at the immediate consequences.  They don't give us the desired result.  If I had chosen based on my positive vision of wanting to be physically healthy, have energy, feel good emotionally, and perform well at Crossfit, I would have taken a little time to get myself some real food.

So my conclusion now is that pain is actually a worse motivator than a desire for something good. Pain may be the initial motivator, but I must learn to choose not based on relieving the pain, but rather on the vision of what I really want.  This ties in to the law of attraction.  If our mind is focused on the pain, we will not see clearly to relieve it.  Instead we must focus on the bigger vision of what we want.  But how do we do that when the pain is present?

Humility.

Remember my desire for the gift of Charity at Christmas?  Part of the description of charity is to suffer long.  That takes humility.  Submitting to the pain, even as child doth submit to his father.  That certainly describes humility.  When I can accept that pain - of whatever kind - is part of the mortal experience, take a step back to embrace that feeling, physical or emotional, and ask "what is there to learn from this?"  I open myself up to being teachable.  I may not have the answer within myself yet,  or I may, but I am forgetting it.  The pain is blocking it from my memory.  Either way I must be humble to allow God through the Spirit, or another person, to teach me.

I do have some crucial pieces of knowledge to help me.

1.  Men are that they might have joy.  This encourages me that the pain is not meant to last eternally, though in the moment I may be wondering.

2.  With faith in, and through the atonement of, Jesus Christ, men do change.  I do not have to do this alone.  He will strengthen me if I let Him.
3.  Embracing the pain, and finding humilty to accept, actually lessens it.  It lets the Savior take that pain from you.

So, yes, pain is an indicator that we should change, and a powerful motivator, but whether pain is present or not, to obtain any change, to reach any goal, we must find Humility. We must be ready to learn and work for the knowledge we need, hungering and thirsting after it.  Aware of our own ignorance and lack of knowledge and skill.  We must be ready to submit to the mentor - God, and others he puts in our path, acknowledging they have knowledge and skills that we need.

Humility is the first step in Liber.  It is the hardest and the easiest.

Liber Part 2 The mentor

A mentor is someone who has the skills and knowledge you want.  A person that God brings into your life when you are ready to learn.   The power of a mentor comes when you are willing to submit. To follow all they ask of you, even when it is really hard, or you don't see the purpose - like in Karate Kid when Mr. Miyagi asks Daniel to to wax his cars and paint his fence.

I could only submit to the mentor, because I knew in my heart it was right.  I knew she had what I wanted.  I knew that gaining that principle of self-governance.  The ability to live on purpose and according to my core values was going to bring me happiness, closer to God.  It would make me a better mother.  I knew I could take the mentor's counsel, regardless of my understanding it, and that eventually I would attain the goal.

Another principle in mentoring is the sacrifice.  The mentor cannot really guide me unless I sacrifice something to compensate the mentor.  In Karate Kid - Mr. Miyagi got shiny clean cars and a white fence.  Daniel was willing to submit because he knew Mr. Miyagi could teach the art of defense and self-confidence he was lacking.  My sacrifice was monetary, enough to be a sacrifice on our budget. The miracle of the sacrifice is that you are overly compensated for that sacrifice.  Once you have fully gained your own liber (liberty through knowledge), the sacrifice becomes nothing compared to what you have gained.

A mentor may become a formal coach, that you meet with regularly, take assignments from, and report to, as mine was.  Or they can also be informal, someone that you observe and listen to and follow their counsel, without them being fully aware - a friend, a book, a podcast or blog, a course, a leader. Either way the power of mentor only comes when you fully submit and sacrifice.

What does this have to do with Liber?

It is the irony that submitting my will to that of a master is the path to freedom.  If I want to gain liberty in an area of my life in which I am in bondage, I must give up my own ideas and my natural whims.  I must look for one who has that freedom and follow the path they have taken.  They enjoy that liberty because of  knowledge and skill that they have and I don't.

Of coarse, God is the perfect mentor.  As I submit our will to His, we find our greatest freedom   We have his words in the scriptures, from prophets, and through personal prayer and inspiration.  He gave me the mentor I needed, when I was ready to submit.  I was not ready to submit until the pain of my bondage was excruciating.

I have since learned that I can choose to submit to a mentor before the pain is excruciating, but I must have an emotion strong enough to motivate the change.

Liber, part 1

[Li-ber] 1. free  2.  bark, a book  3. to engage in contract  4. education for a free people

I have loved this word for many years.  I first learned it in a thirsty quest to understand the freedom of a nation. Our nation: America.  I became painfully aware that many of our freedoms were being lost through misuse of government power.  I grieved at this awakening.  I became passionate about learning and understanding what government was supposed to be, and what it had become.  I wanted to know what I could do to make a difference for good, to try and change the tide.  The answer led me to this word: liber.

 I have since learned that liber, the root of liberty and library, has application to every area of my life. My personal self governance; my health, both physical and mental; relationships; parenting; education; finances; the war with Satan; food, clothing, shelter.  Each area of freedom won, has been a journey of learning.

I have found a pattern in the journey to liber.  It is 1. pain, 2. a realization of one's bondage, 3. a quest for knowledge, 4. working to grasp, gain and eventually master the skills learned about, 5. then engaging with world in the paradigm of your new-found freedom.

My bondage to a chaotic, over-paced world led me to want self-governance.  I found myself spread too thin between motherhood, homemaking, social and educational activities.  Life was somewhat without purpose, just reactionary.  Someone would present me with an idea, I would get excited about it.  I would start down the road with conviction and find myself knee-deep in it, too tired to go on, and not sure it was worth it, so I would only half-heartedly contintue, until all the drive had petered out and I quit...only to feel guilty about the long train of unfinished projects and goals I had trailing behind me.  I had not the discipline to accomplish.  I had not the clarity of vision to choose the right path for me.

I kept reading about successful people.  People who made a difference in the world around them - whether famous or not, they lived according to their convictions.  They found joy in living because they knew they were right before God, and they were accomplishing their mission on earth.  I wanted a mission, something to be passionate about, but deep down I knew that I did not have the discipline or skills to do much.  I wanted them, so I took a leap of faith and courage - one of the most humbling and frightening steps in my life, and it started me on a new path.  A path to self-governance, where I can choose the way I spend my time, and know that I am right before God, and that He does have a work for me to do on this earth - something I am passionate about!

That step was finding a mentor.

There is a bridge over the deep, dark chasm.

I have often likened depression to a deep chasm.  I end up at the bottom without knowing how.  It is dark, and cold, and lonely and terrifying.  When I am down there I cannot see my way up, nor can I see the blue sky, green trees and grass, flowers, or hear the birds singing.  Instead I only see the ugly, swampy, deadness.  I hear lies, that sound like my own voice telling me there is no hope:  "I am doomed to feel miserable forever.  Life is too hard, it is not worth putting forth the effort to make it better, because there is no such thing as better.  People who seem happy are only putting on a show.  Or they are simply stronger, smarter, more capable than I am."

This past couple of weeks I have been dealing with some depression again.  But instead of ending up in a chasm, it was only a valley.  I could hear the lies.  Life seemed somewhat bleak.  But I was able to keep my heart focused on truths.  I did not once lose my temper of become sharp or unkind to my children or husband.  I was not enthusiastic, encouraging or fun-loving as want to be, but I was not mean like I usually become with depression.  I did have one bout when my negative, critical view escaped my mouth, but I was able to get control of it before too long.  I kept my Eternal Warriors commitments to pray, write and read, as well as my other three mother goals.  I made good progress on preparing our house for selling.  All this, while not feeling much energy or enthusiasm - more like lethargy and apathy.  Seeing many negatives all around me and in me.

Yesterday evening it was peaking.  I was really down, crying.  Discouraged that it wasn't going to pass despite my doing all I know to get out of it.  Exercise, listening to conference, healthy diet, oils.  I had even written down my automatic thoughts (Satan's lies) and written countering truths, but nothing was helping.

Then I was given a new vision of my situation.  This depression was not a valley.  It was still a chasm, as dark and deep as any I have faced, but the Lord had been holding me up as I journeyed across.  He had provided a bridge across it.  Because I had been doing my part, and seeking to do His will, and because He wanted to bless me, I was not feeling the miserable, dark depths, but only a shallow portion of it.

I rejoice that the Lord is merciful.  That he desires our joy.  That His plan for us is perfect.  Without tasting the darkness of depression, I would not comprehend the brilliant beauty that life is meant to be.  It is always a humbling reminder of my dependence upon my Savior for my happiness, and strengthens my faith and love for Him.  He is the way to escape the chasm, whether by means of a way to climb out from the depths, or in merciful goodness to provide a bridge across.

 

Increasing my mother heart

My prayers and journal are becoming more and more consumed with how I can help my children to reach their dreams, and fulfill their God-given potential and purpose on this earth, and less about my own personal struggles and projects.  I have heard many times that having a clear mission statement that you recite, and daily consider will change you, yet I am still amazed as I feel it happen to me. The Lord is slowly and surely guiding me to become to become a Powerful, Purposeful, and Nurturing Mother.

Kate - My courageous 15 year old, has big dreams for her future - but her current project is to compete in the Shakespeare Festival with a dance and  ballroom open at Gem State.  For both of these she needs private lessons with a choreographer, and costumes.  This is expensive.  So she has devised a plan to earn the money.  She is going to put on some fabulous summer camps for children.  She has held Fairy Ettiquette camps in the past to earn money for lessons and had a lot of fun, and great responses from the girls and their mothers.  She will be holding these again this summer, but also branching out to hold a Sons and Daughters of Freedom camp.  She loves America, our Constitution and the God-inspired, liberty driven men and women who established our country and gave us the blessed, prosperous lives we know.  She wants to share that love and teach about the requirements and costs of keeping that liberty. She is creating a plan using games, stories, and music to teach the principles of freedom to 8-12 year olds.

I love her ideas, and support them whole-heartedly, if with some fear and trepidation over the amount of work ahead.  I know she will learn tons from the experience and bless those who participate with a wonderful experience too!

Cassidy has decided she loves violin and wants to buy her own.  So she is working and saving to earn money for this.  She also wants to do a study group this coming school year focusing on American History and Permaculture Gardening.  She hopes to find a small, dedicated group of peers to join her on her journey.

Wyatt's current dream is to create a new breed of dog.  Random?  He is planning to accomplish his Bear before the new Cub Scout program is released - no small amount of work.  He also is determined that he needs more boy time to get out all his energy.  He has a fabulous math brain like his father and the same thoughtful, tender heart.

Mille is my fragile child, for lack of a better word.  She has fragile feelings and is very socially aware despite her inability to show it.  This comes out in all kinds of struggles - toileting accidents, eating, getting dressed, going to therapy and simply being included or not in the activities of her friends and cousins.  She is physically a tiny thing, and is calmer, more still and cautious than most children.  Mille has an amazing light within her.  It usually is shining so that others quickly come to love her warm smile, contagious giggle, and eagerness to love and be loved.  She often is on my mind, wondering how I can help her to learn to function in this world, to see her own strengths and fight through her weaknesses.  To keep her innocence safe and her heart protected because it seems extra pure and extra sensitive to damage from the harshness of this world.

Janey is physically strong and robust.  She is energetic and spunky, determined and quick to pick things up.  She loves hugs and books, food and outside.  She needs constant watching and guiding to avoid the appearance of a tornado having whirled its way through our house.  She is my
"Beautiful baby, beautiful child.
Gentle and maybe just a little bit wild."

I love being a mother.  It is heart-wrenching, challenging, thrilling.  I will never reach a plateau or boredom because I can always become infinitely better.  It is my ground for becoming.

How I am Changing the World

I had a fun conversation today with a friend who is mulling over education choices for her children. Her oldest will be in kindergarten in the fall.  She is a brilliant woman, a careful mother and doing her homework.  She has looked at the local public elementary, has researched the charter schools around, and is wanting to explore the options in the homeschool world.  I was impressed with her careful look at all the options.

She is also searching for more fulfillment in her life.  She treasures motherhood, and has a one day a week profession that gives her adult interaction, however she is very honest with herself about the struggles of boredom, loneliness and monotony that can be the bane of homemaking.  Nevertheless, she is courageously considering the possibility of quitting the job to be home full time even as she worries that she will be miserable without something to stimulate her mind.

I say hooray for wanting to be a full time mother!  That is a mother-heart calling for its divine potential.

And yes, bored, overwhelmed, and stagnated with dishes, diapers, and laundry is a very real and common situation with moms.

So how do mothers find joy in the day to day difficulties of runny noses, 2 year old tantrums, and coaxing 7 year olds to eat their broccoli or feed the dog, or practice their spelling list?  How do mothers not lose themselves completely in the piles of laundry - to wake up one day not knowing who they are or why they are trying to match stray socks?

First, my grandmother taught me to darn socks by saying "That darn sock has a hole." and then throw it in the trash.  I apply this amply to stray socks as well.

As to finding joy in the mundane, and retaining a sense of self the key is knowing why.  Why is what drives the choice, the action.  Being consciously aware of why you do something puts your emotion into it, aligns it with your core values.  Answering "Why?"  gives you your purpose.

Why do mothers change diapers, fix meals, wash dishes, wash and fold laundry, chauffeur children, read stories over and over, wipe noses, help with tedious homework, assign chores they could do faster, easier and better themselves, give consequences, clean bloody knees, and put band-aids on invisible owies?  It is because they know they are changing the world as they do it.  If they do a good job, they make the world better, they are shaping a life, bringing it closer to God and to joy, or further from it.  According to their choices that child will be blessed or experience misery.  No other position on earth has even close to as much influence on the lives of other human beings.

Motherhood is a position of power.  God gave it to women because of our natures.  We are not as easily power-hungry, or harsh.  It is a power that if wielded with wisdom, gentleness, nurturing, respect for agency, integrity and love, will produce great joy for the mother and her offspring. - Not to say that there won't be pain, challenges and mistakes by both mother and child - this is mortality, a practice ground.  But the Why remains strong.  Mothers do what they do because it is the noblest, most challenging, most rewarding thing they could do in a lifetime.  It is the work of God - to raise children.

But, you say, that Why is so hard to remember when you are up in the middle of the night mopping up vomit, or breaking up the umpteenth quarrel in a day.

The answer to that is we must keep learning and growing ourselves.  If we stagnate in our personal growth, our children will stagnate also.  If we are anxiously engaged in our own life long pursuit of knowledge, truth, and excellence so will our children be.

For me this growth has come from many different avenues.  I was impressed early in my motherhood by an article called "An Education without a Classroom" in which a young mother, surrounded by college students chose to keep learning via books from the local library and her kitchen table.  This inspired me to keep learning without excuse according to the situation I am in.   I have loved book groups, or Colloquia where everyone comes ready to discuss and learn a book that has changed them.  I use park days so kids can play and moms can talk or do a project together, teaching classes myself so that I have to study and prepare, personal mentoring, and occasionally a formal class or lessons.  Conferences are inspiring.  Always I have to plan in time weekly where I can visit with other women and learn from them and share what I am learning and thereby be strengthened.

The conclusion to all this is that this summer for my growth and hopefully that of a few other moms I am planning to have a weekly Mom's study group (held at a park so kids can play).  I have 3 different directions I am thinking of going, based on my current passions and learning and I'm looking for other interested moms.
A.  Creating a Master Inspire Plan for your family.  Reading, discussing and creating what you want for your family.
B.  Personal Discipline to gain control of your own thoughts and actions  - Eternal Warriors
C.  Permaculture:  A design system for gardening, self-reliance, and wholistic living.

If you live in the Weber/Davis area and are interested in learning with me on one of these this summer send me an email, text or FB message with what topic you like and I will keep you posted as plans develop.

Your fellow learner,
Emily

Crossfit Open Ranking 12,476

Today I finished my first attempt at the Crossfit Open, in which some 289,000 people around the world competed.  It was my first time doing anything at all competitive, and I hoped to rank in the top 1/3.  I have been able to do that - and a little better.  I ended in the top 10%.  I've known for a couple months that I wanted to try and get competitive with Crossfit.  As I struggle to give everything I have to a WOD, I have to continually ask "Why?"

"Why do I want to do this?"  Why do I want to push myself physically beyond what is needed for good health and anti-depressant benefits.  Why do I want to put in extra time, and deal with very sore muscles and torn and callused hands?  Why do I want to learn to concentrate, to conquer the mind-game, to give all I have to a 15 minute workout?  What is the point?

Today, as I for the umpteenth time asked those questions, I received an answer.

I need to have walked the path of success and excellence before I can guide my children on it.  Their own choices of what to excel at will be different than mine, but until I have experienced what it is to work for and achieve a difficult dream, how can I tell my children they can.  How can I mentor them on "the Path" if I have not walked it myself.

I have a good friend who I have long admired for her ability to help her children succeed at everything they engage in.  Okay, at times is has been envy.  She, as a youth, learned to walk that path: leads in plays, valedictorian, beauty pageant queen.  I have fumbled to know how to help my own children reach the goals and dreams they have.  I have tried - and we have had some good goes, but my dear Kate has not yet come close to tasting her dreams or reaching her potential, and I have not known how to help her.  I try to tell her if she keeps working hard and has faith she can, but I have no experience to draw on.  I know there is amazing music, wisdom, and love that she needs to share with the world, and I want to be able to look at her and say "Kate, I know that if you follow this path of work, and faith, and seeking and submitting to the mentor, and failing better, and not giving up, and going when it hurts, when you are all alone, when you want to quit... after that test, you will achieve your hearts righteous desires.  I know, because I have walked that path."


I am working to be successful at Crossfit for that reason.  My goal is to make it to regionals - this make take more than a year or two.  Sometimes I look at that goal and think I'm crazy - it is too big, but I feel that God wants me to give my all, while I am at the box.  And then come home and give my all in the same purposeful, passionate, excited way to raising my children.  On we go for a dream!