Thoughts on Childbirth

Hi Emily!

I hope you are doing well. I sure love reading your blog. Your words make me feel like I'm not alone in wondering all my mothering thoughts.  You have always been such a great example to me, and you are one of the best moms I know.

Sometime around Labor Day I'll be going into labor again and I vaguely remember you mentioning on Rachelle's Facebook page that you thought fondly of your hypnobirthing experience. I'm curious why that was your favorite and if you went to a class for that or perhaps read a book. Also, was that a natural childbirth? My first two deliveries were great, but I'm wanting to try things the way my body was meant to do them.... maybe :)

Anyway, I thought I would start asking moms I love and look up to about this and I'm interested in anything you have to offer on the subject.

Take care!
Briana

Sweet Briana,

I am excited to hear from you!  Hooray on this new addition coming.  

Yes, hypno-birthing is a natural birth preparation method.  Here is my story - 

My first two children I had epidurals, no problems.  My third, I was planning on an epidural, but she came too fast.  I was blessed with a fabulous nurse from Europe, who worked wonderfully as a coach and helped me through.  Since then, I have gone natural.  Faster recovery, more intense experience.  The gospel teaches us that there must needs be opposition in all things, and in order to appreciate the sweet things, we must experience the hard things.  I have found that level of my joy is intensified, and my faith and sense of partnering with God is increased when I walk that hard road.  Also, Jonathan became an integral part of the birthing process - not just an onlooker.    I gain a new sense of my own strength and weakness through the journey of natural childbirth.  That being said, everyone has different needs at different times in their lives and I believe that modern anesthetics can be truly a blessing from that Lord at times too.  God will guide anyone who seeks his counsel in this decision.

My first planned natural birth was hard, fast, and I don't remember the details too much.

My second I prepared with a book called The Bradley Method; Husband Coached Childbirth.  I loved his philosophy of conception is between  husband and wife and delivery should be also.  I add that God is also part of both experiecnes.  He used breathing patterns and talked about observing how animals birth calmly.  It worked okay - but was still very difficult.  I would not describe it as a beautiful or peaceful experience, but it was natural and I have no regrets.  (Jonathan will tell you that I always get to that really hard part and think I am going to die - and proclaim it )  I had a Nurse Midwife and delivered at the hospital - she was all for epidurals, but willing to support my wishes.

For my last child, I really wanted a home birth, but for reasons of cost, and that Janey had a medical problem we ended up delivering at UofU with a special needs OB.  Heather, Adam's wife, and one of my other cousins, both loved their hypno-birthing experiences.  I was a little skeptical because I have always felt that the hypnosis used for entertainment was giving up agency or lowering inhibitions in an inappropriate way.  But I decided to read the book and see if it felt right.  It did.  

Hypnosis in childbirth is self-hypnosis, and it is actually just training yourself to get in a very relaxed, yet focused meditative state.  It is all about learning to control and focus your mind and your body.  I loved that it was actually about intense self-control, rather than about giving up your self-control to another person.  I just used the book, and read about self-hypnosis and meditation and relaxation from other sources.  And lots and lots of practicing.  I loved writing out my birth script, and had Jonathan practice it with me several times.  It was not a read from start to finish, but different chunks as I needed them.   I will send you my birth script so you can see it.  I have heard that people love the classes, and many people say getting an excellent doula is super helpful for natural childbirth.  I can say yes to that from my first natural birth experience where the nurse stepped in and helped me immensely.  However, I think it is ideal for my husband to play that crucial role, and it did bring us closer together.

The day of Janey's birth, I was induced because we were driving  to SLC.  I was worried about pitocin causing more pain than I could handle, and so we started with just breaking my water.  It didn't work, so three hours later, they started pitocin.  When labor really started I had Jonathan work through the birth script with me.  I would tell him when I needed something different - but often he could tell on his own.  He said it was physically and mentally challenging for him also - both my mom and Jonathan's momwere there, and my daughter Cassidy - the first birth since our first that we had anyone else.  There were also a whole slew of doctors and nurses and interns coming in and out - because Janey was a rare case and they expected her to have severe complications at birth.  But once the contractions were regular and strong, I became very focused and don't remember much of who was around other than Jonathan.  It was hard, but peaceful and spiritual as I prepared for.  It became very much a prayer for strength and focus, and careful, concentrated focus on relaxing what I could and letting my uterus be all that was contracting.  I remember moving from sitting to on my hands and knees, and be amazed at how intense things were.  But according to all the onlookers everything was very calm and peaceful. So it caught them somewhat by surprise when one of the interns noticed Janey was crowning and after a few pushes she was born.   

My prayer throughout the pregnancy was that I would be able to hold her after birth, that she would be stable enough for that. I wanted the miracle of a healthy baby, but didn't dare get my hopes up for it, I just really wanted to hold her soon after she was born.  She has an enlarged brain ventricle that looked likely to be affecting her executive functions - heart and lungs.  So they told me should would be whisked through a little window to NICU and if all was well I would get to hold her after her initial exam, but if there were problems she would be transferred as soon as she was stable to Primary Children's NICU.  

She was born pink and breathing! After 5 minutes of NICU exam she was given back to me and never left my side again.  She still has an enlarged brain ventricle but the only noticable effects so far have been that her left leg lagged behind a few weeks in picking up the movement for crawling.

For me, the visualization and practicing faith in the process of preparation for birth became a growing experience.  It was a means of exercising my faith, which in turn strengthened my faith, and then prepared me for the beautiful miracle God had in store.  I think the hypnobirthing method teaches and supports the skills of exercising faith, as well as developing self-mastery of mind and body.  It doesn't directly create a spiritual experience, but you can make it so.  It does give a beautiful, healthy view of motherhood and the birthing process and tools to make it happen.

I hope that helps some.  Please ask more questions if you have them.

Love, Emily

   

Warrior Chemistry

As a woman and mother I am not naturally violent.  In fact, I am usually more passive and seeking peace.  However, I am currently learning to drill for warrior chemistry - the fight or flight response that chooses to fight.  This blog is a warrior drill.

I am being attacked mentally.   It is bedtime, and I have not completed my daily commitments of Power Goals.  Satan is attacking me with "It's late, your tired, you don't want to read your scriptures or write in your journal"  "You are a failure again - you keep saying you are going to do those things early in the day - but you never do."  " It is cold, and if you stay out of bed to do them, you will be awake a long time trying to get warm."  "Sleep is a core value, too"  "It's your anniversary - you deserve to play instead."  "You are so tired, that you can't possibly get anything our of your reading, and your blog will be a bunch of aimless mush."

As I read back through it, I find it hilarious that he tries every approach - completely contradictory ideas - "your too tired" and "you deserve to play instead."  I am committed to these goals and I will not consciously choose to fail!  So there, Satan!  (Can you see me sticking out my tounge!)

Next attack:  While I am writing - keeping my commitment and acting according to my core value - Satan throws another tactic.  "Why is Jonathan talking to me? It distracts me and slows me down."  " He gets to spend time on something fun (he is programming Crossfit for me, at my request), and I have to do these things."  Those thoughts made me feel blaugh.  Tired, discouraged.  It was a chemical shift that I felt.  When I stop to write down those flashing thoughts, I am shocked.  They are simply not true - Jonathan asked one short question about our schedule for the next couple of weeks so that he could program accordingly.  I am sincerely grateful that he is programming for me.  And I am excited about writing this blog and that I still get to write a Letter to God, and study God words in the scriptures.  Those are both things that I value highly as a means of gaining the spirit in my life, and receiving personal guidance in my life from God, who knows all and loves me, and is the only source of truth and happiness.  I treasure time spent with Him, above all else - when I am being true to myself and not stoned by Satan's lies.

My warrior chemistry is on now!  I am ready to give my best effort to these most important things, regardless of the time of day or night.  I am a Warrior!  I am on the Lord's side!

A Day Up the Scale*

Today I climbed out of bed and my emotions were raging.  I felt overwhelmed with my day, and out of control of my thoughts.  I had this great idea of how to make St. Patrick's day fun, but I slept in too late, I was out of my comfort zone, not being in my own home, and my mind went off - okay I must give credit where credit is due - Satan went off telling me that I could not possibly get everything done, that I was a bad mother because I did not have a surprise ready when my children woke up, that my mother in-law was certainly judging me to be a bad mom because I wasn't doing something fun for my children,  that life is too hard, miserable, and everything is going down hill.

Yes, Satan really does go off on me like that, and for the first time in weeks, I was believing him.  I just sank under the weight of it all.  All day I was moving between agitated, irritable and grumpy to depressed, crying, to simply apathetic, tired and lazy.  I can blame it on PMS, on my life being discombobulated, because we are in the midst of so much transition, or simply on a bad day, but until I find the real source of my misery I cannot work on overcoming and changing and preventing it from reoccurring.  It is Satan who seeks to torment and make me miserable like himself.

Satan got in my head and in my on voice was spouting lies, that I was believing.  He had a heyday.  I struggled for recovery several times during the day, but could tell that at best I was at a 1 or 2 (Chemical drip or feelings).   Finally, after a brief surprise visit with an old friend I was finally brought back down to 0.  As I shared with her my bad day, and she shared with me her own struggles, I could see clearly that what I want - what I am fighting for - is my children to feel my love,  to see a path that leads to happiness, and that by my buying into Satan's lies and letting him run my day, I had not given them that model.  I felt the Warrior chemistry surge, the antidote to Satan's chemical spills took effect and I was restored to my caring, real self.

The truth is that Jesus Christ knows my situation.  He knows what I can handle, and will help me to know what things are best and help me to do them.  He will also help me to let go of the extra things.  His atonement can enable me to be the mother I desire.  The truth is that St. Patrick's day is not essential for teaching eternal truths - (although my husband came up with an awesome scripture treasure hunt that compared our journey through life to a rainbow and the atonement as a gift better than gold.)  The truth is my mother-in-law loves me, and has never shown anything other than love and acceptance of me - even with all my quirky ways.  The truth is that life challenging, so we can grow, glorious with ups to match the downs, and our life are progressing toward our Savior as we keep seeking to follow him.

Satan lied, and had me going for a day.  But he didn't win!  

* Learn about The Chemical Scale 

My Big Why?

Question 1: Why am I fighting?

I want to give my children every bit of help and truth, love, and experience and example that I can to help them make good choices that will bring them happiness now, later in life, and in the eternities.   My greatest joy comes in my children's progress.  My greatest personal progress comes in my becoming a better mentor, listener, counselor, guide, servant, friend, teacher Mother.

At Crossfit, when I finish a WOD, I can often tell that I did not give it everything.  even though it was feeling really hard.  I think back through my workout and I can see where I could have done more, moved faster, pushed harder, been more efficient or paused to rest less.  Most often it is early on in the WOD - the first few minutes that I could have done better.

I don't want to get to the end of life and feel that I should have done more for my children.  I want no regrets in my role as mother.   When I say more, I don't mean making their beds, and washing laundry for them.  I mean spending time to show, and teach them how and why to do those and all other things for themselves.

In some ways I already have regrets, and a long list of "Wish I hads" and "if onlys."  As my oldest daughter, Kate, becomes more and more independant I certainly have things I wish I had the skills to do better in helping her reach her dreams.  But I am trying.  She knows I love her.  She knows I am not perfect and I do my best.  I know that God has the power to make up  the differnece for where I fall short as a mother.  This life is not about perfection.  It is about progress and improving and giving our best.

Now I have to ask myself the hard question.  Why do I hold back at Crossfit?  and am I holding back in my parenting? The real answer is sometimes, but I am doing much better, than even a year ago.

I hold nothing back.  I love, laugh. learn, teach, apologize and cry.  I am consistent, thoughtful, tough in holding boundaries, gentle in my words.  I question societal norms and look for the real purpose and effect of my actions, culture, habits.  I embrace the adventure of life, each day find blessings, and share what I discover.   I want to be, I am becoming, I am a Powerful, Purposeful, Nurturing Mother.  

God Answers Prayers

My husband and I leave for an anniversary trip in the morning.  We will be gone for seven days, by far the longest we have ever left our children.  I worked and prayed hard over the past few days to know what I needed to do so that my children could each have their emotional cups filled, and be excited about staying with Mimi and Papa.

At the same time we are preparing for a long trip, we have been cleaning out and emptying our house to prepare it for painters.  This has been a tremendous undertaking.  Everything but a couple of bedrooms, in which we have piled furniture and boxes, has been emptied and scrubbed down so the painters can move in.

I sat down to  dinner in our bare dining room with my family tonight and felt an overwhelming amount of peace and gratitude for the help we have received from heaven and from heaven-sent family.  I am in awe that we actually have everything done, and it has been without crazy stress or contention.  We have had some sleepless nights, but that is from sick kiddos, not late-night projects.  We have been praying daily for the needed miracles to have our home ready for selling for several months now, and I testify that those prayers have been answered.

In addition, my prayers of the past couple days to know how to meet my children's needs and prepare them for our leaving have also been answered.  We have had a pleasant evening of visiting and read aloud.  Today my sweet Mille, who struggles the most with changes, asked me at least 10 times what we were doing tomorrow, so we had a chance to talk about it, and help her to be excited and understand what was happening.  All of my children have been in varying stages of sick over the past few days and have therefore received more of my attention and affection.  What could have been an annoyance or burden has actually seemed a blessing.  It slowed our pace in a good way.  I feel at peace in leaving.

I stand amazed at the tender mercies of our Lord and how he works in mysterious ways to bless us.

Now on to an exciting week with Jonathan!

How to expose the devil.

Today I found joy in a very unlikely verse of scripture:

"And certain women, which had been healed of evil spirits and infirmities, Mary Magdalene, out of whom went seven devils." Luke 8:2

Mary Magdalene is one of the heroines of scripture.  She was a close friend to Jesus, and was praised by him for choosing "that good part."  She is the first to whom the resurrected Lord appeared.  Yet she too, had her season of darkness and was in need of the Saviors powerful healing and redeeming grace.  This good woman had been possessed of devils.

I used to think that the accounts in the New Testament of people having evil spirits which needed casting out were strange, something that did not happen in our day.  I now realize that we are very much and very often in need of being freed from the evil spirits that would destroy our happiness and are constantly barraging us.

Several years ago during a dark bout of depression, I became clearly aware that Satan and his minions were attacking me when I was down.  I was being told lies by him, and felt bound down by his darkness.  I asked for a priesthood blessing to free me from Satan's grasp.  And was blessed with a season of reprieve from the darkness.  I was still hesitant to admit that an evil spirit could be in me.  It was too dark a subject to face.

On occasion in discussions, I would correlate my depression to a loss of the good Spirit, and as being a sin.  I could not explain how I got to that miserable state - or did not want to admit that I had become possessed of an evil spirit, because that seemed to reflect on me as being evil-, but I knew that when I was down, my behavior was bad, my thoughts were bad, I was not behaving right.  I was sinning.  It is wrong to yell at and belittle a child.  It is wrong to scream at your husband.  It is false to believe that life is hopeless, miserable, and there is no joy in it.  When I am depressed, I cannot see light, and I do not act on my core values.  My husband, mom or sister would tell me good things and my mind (actually it was an evil spirit in my mind) would counter with excuses and reasoning that negated every good thing they could come up with. In short, I was possessed of an evil spirit.

Part of the power Satan held over me was my refusing to acknowledge it as it was.  If I deny there is an evil spirit talking to me then I will not take action to kick him out of my mind and my home.  It is a version of  “And behold, others he flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance.” (2 Ne. 28:20–22.)

Once I acknowledge that Satan does whisper to me, and lie to me, and is constantly putting his best effort out to keep me down, then I have exposed him.  I am shedding light on the problem and the problem becomes fixable.  

I have learned that all negative, hurtful, frustrating and confusing thoughts can be safely attributed to Satan and his devils.  I call him on it, tell him I won't believe him, and I choose not to agree with the thought.  Then Satan and his lies cannot possess me.  

Although the deep depression, constant dark thoughts and feeling of being possessed of a devil has not tormented me for several months now, I know Satan has not given up.  He still puts his miserable ideas in front of me daily, but I am learning to see them for what they are, and they do not take hold of me.  I am enabled to do this by the power of the Holy Ghost and through the atonement of Jesus Christ.  Constant prayer for this help conquers Satan.

Like Mary Magdaline I have had devils gone out of me.

Lost a battle and learned a lesson.

Wednesdays are our crazy evenings.  Jonathan has a class so he leaves in the morning and doesn't come home until 9:30.  I have a class that starts at 7pm, and before that we have piano, violin, and Crossfit.  Slip dinner and bedtime routines into the mix also.  It is a stressful night.  After dinner tonight we were all cleaning up, when my bouncy boy Wyatt, knocked a plate of pomegranate seeds and skins out of his sisters hand and we had red jewels flying all over the floor.

I yelled at him. :(

It was the first time I have yelled in a few weeks.  I immediately felt awful - making it tempting to justify myself with more rudeness, but gratefully I stopped, took a deep breath and said I was sorry for yelling.  I admitted I was in the wrong, and calmly asked him to clean it up.

Yelling is not part of the powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother I am.  That is not part of our family culture.  We are at war to eradicate contention and rudeness from our home.  When it is there it is Satan's doing.

In my class, they asked the questions "When did you last lose a battle, and how did Satan attack you?"  "How will he try to attack you next time?"  "What can you do to prepare so that you won't lose that next  battle?"   I had the epiphany that Satan attacks me with unexpected little hiccups at busy or stressful times.  The dirty diaper that has to be changed when you are already late for an appointment. The important paper I needed that my 5 year old sharpened her cutting skills on.  The muddy boots all through the house right as company is arriving.  These are little things - no one's eternal salvation is at stake.  No one has really been injured or committed a crime they cannot learn from and correct - if Mom's stays calm enough to teach them and allow them to learn.
But throw in a little extra stress  and I Mom often loses her cool.  Not any more!  Now I can see it coming.  It is Murphy's law that if something can go wrong it will.  This is mortality, it is about becoming better, stronger, smarter, kinder.  When I can see that Satan wants me to snap and yell and throw my own immature fit, especially if I can hurt a child's feelings, or put them on the defensive so they don't learn from their mistakes, then I do get angry!  I get angry at Satan, and I am not going to let him into my home through my actions!  I will now expect that if I am busy or stressed, there will be little problems, unplanned added challenges, and I will face them with calm.  I will communicate to my children with love.  Because that is my core value.  That is who I am: a powerful, purposeful, nurturing mother.