I am a mother who knows what I want for Christmas. And it is a long list.

I want to be filled with the pure love of Christ - I want the gift of Charity.    

You see, for the past sixteen and a half years, I have fought off and on a terrible, dark, and ugly battle. Sometimes I have called it anger.  Sometimes I have called it depression.  I recently learned a new name for it: co-dependency.  Regardless of semantics, I would tumble down a chasm to a place without love - for myself, or others.  At the bottom of that chasm there is no hope, sometimes it is difficult to feel faith or remember any truth at all.  It was impossible to see anything positive.  I could pray, read, try to do thought changes, or look for blessings and only see failures, negatives, feel cold and dark.  It was hell.  If you have been there, you know.  If you haven't it probably makes no sense.

Here is the long list:

And charity:

suffereth long

is kind 

envieth not 

is not puffed up 

seeketh not her own

is not easily provoked

thinketh no evil

rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth

beareth all things

believeth all things

hopeth all things

endureth all things

Can I ask God to give me all of these gifts?  I know they are the answer to not going down into that chasm.  It is ironic, that for so many years I thought the chasm was of my own digging.  Somehow, something I was doing, or not doing, put me, without realizing it in a place where I would go heading down to the bottom, digging it deeper each time.  But I have learned that I didn't dig that pit.  Satan did.  And he laughs, so loud I can hear him, when I am at the bottom of it.  I have also learned that he doesn't wait to be invited before he pushes us toward the cliff.  He is constantly nudging us and those we love, often so subtly (he is the most subtle of all the beasts of the field) we don't feel or see it - like a silk thread slipping around you, one strand at a time.  Each strand is a glance in the mirror as I walk by and not liking what I see, or a thought of I'm too tired to wash those dishes, or why didn't he take care of that?  I have also learned that sometimes I get yanked into the chasm by someone I love when they go sliding down, because I am holding on to tightly to them.  That is co-dependency.

So how will my long Christmas list help change this awful pattern of misery?  

First, let me say that I have practiced, or at least thought about and studied, each of them with much purpose at times.  When I am not in the bottom of that chasm I am working on several of them at any given time.  Climbing out of the chasm requires believing and hoping for all things.  I have read books on, sought mentoring on and written and practiced diligently on the "not easily provoked and thinketh no evil."  Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth is probably my strongest on that list - I would say it is a gift I was given at a very young age.  Being at the bottom of the chasm has felt like suffering and enduring.  I am not asking for a gift I know nothing about.

Charity and all its parts will help me change this pattern by tying me to the Savior, Jesus Christ.  If I am firmly yoked to Him, then I will not be pulled by Satan, or even those I love. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light," because when I am yoked to the Savior I am tasting, and feeling of his pure love - Charity, and it is sweet.   

The following passage gives me hope that I can be given this gift for Christmas.  I am praying to my Father in Heaven, "who giveth to all men liberrally."  

Moroni 7: 45 - 48 "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;

President Uctdorf's message this month says this:

"Jesus the Christ, who knew perfectly how to give, set for us the pattern for giving. To those whose hearts are heavy with loneliness and sorrow, He brings compassion and comfort. To those whose bodies and minds are afflicted with illness and suffering, He brings love and healing. To those whose souls are burdened with sin, He offers hope, forgiveness, and redemption."

I have recieved each of these gifts from my Savior.  I am asking for Charity for Christmas, so that I can follow His example, and share with others what He has given me.