I am a mother who knows I am nothing.

Last night I said I am divine.  I am.  But I am also mortal, weak, one of billions of others.  I make mistakes.  I have 37 years of experiences and information that have gone into my brain as memory, and not all of it is beautiful, true, or good.  I have habits- oh, do I have habits, some of which I am not fond of.

Just as I am a Child of God, I am also of the dust of the earth.  Alone, left to my own devices and powers, I am nothing.

A woman I highly respect, after reading and counseling me on a personal vision statement that I had spent two months in writing, and rewriting, and revising, and editing, recommended one book to me.  Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem.  It's message is that all the hype about needing to have a boosted self-esteem and see ourselves as great, sets us up for disappointment.  Just like having a mortal super hero - a ball player, or movie star - is a let down when you find out they made some serious mistakes.  So it is with having ourself as a hero. We  inevitably let ourselves down, because we make mistakes - that is why we are on earth - to learn.  Learning is not about a perfect performance.  That is the end goal, but the learning phase is about  practice, and practice always involves hiccups, mistakes, slower that perfect timing, errors, stretching, growing, difficulty, opposition, a struggle.  So placing our hopes, and faith and trust in ourselves is just as erroneous as placing our trust in any other arm of flesh.  We will be dissappointed.

Deep down we know we are suseptible to failure.  We know we are not perfect.  We know we are not as completely good as the outside world sees.  We always put our best self out - but there is in all of us a weaker self too.  In our hearts we know that, so working too hard at building self-esteem just leaves us puffed up on air.

In the end it is God that we can glory in.  He is perfect.  He is all knowing, all powerful.  He has perfect love, justice, and mercy.  When I have good thoughts, it is inspired of God.  When I do good, it is by his grace.  When I do wrong, it is through His atonement that I am made clean and able to start again.

I am nothing but Jesus Christ in whom I trust, whose side I am on, is Everything.

I am a mother who knows who to trust.

 I trust in my Father in Heaven.  He is all powerful, all knowing, unchanging, and has a perfect love. His mission is to bring me (and you) to eternal life with Him - which is happiness.  Parts of this mortal journey towards God are very difficult and even painful.  The most rewarding and joyful times come after I make it through the hard ones.  The most peaceful times are when I walk through the hard times with the Lord.  

I am learning and working on, this principle of trusting in God and not in the arm of flesh.  When I live with good people, and love them, it is easy to trust too much in them.  But there is no mortal who has the understanding of my heart, my potential, and my struggles like God does.  No matter how well a parent, spouse, friend, or mentor knows me, they will not see my divine and individual worth as clearly as God does.  They can love me, but not as God does.  God commands us to help each other on our way.  He often does help me through the hands, words, and actions of others, but only by knowing that I am trusting God, can I know who else to trust.  I have to go to him first with each question, idea, problem and desire.  When I have turned my heart to Him, and keep it open to Him, through the day, I am given the answers and help that help me grow, often through the blessings of other people in my life.

I have taken poor counsel from others at times in the past.  When I realized the counsel did not serve me well, I was angry.  Under the anger was hurt.  I have reacted to or been pulled along by the plans and ideas of others, rather than purposefully acting in accordance with my own heart, and what I know God wants me to do.  I am learning that God will answer me, in all things, if I ask with real intent.

So today I choose to get smarter.  I choose to act in accordance with God's will for me.  I choose to be true to myself.  I put my trust in God.  I trust God to tell me when and who else to trust. 

I am a mother who knows what I want for Christmas. And it is a long list.

I want to be filled with the pure love of Christ - I want the gift of Charity.    

You see, for the past sixteen and a half years, I have fought off and on a terrible, dark, and ugly battle. Sometimes I have called it anger.  Sometimes I have called it depression.  I recently learned a new name for it: co-dependency.  Regardless of semantics, I would tumble down a chasm to a place without love - for myself, or others.  At the bottom of that chasm there is no hope, sometimes it is difficult to feel faith or remember any truth at all.  It was impossible to see anything positive.  I could pray, read, try to do thought changes, or look for blessings and only see failures, negatives, feel cold and dark.  It was hell.  If you have been there, you know.  If you haven't it probably makes no sense.

Here is the long list:

And charity:

suffereth long

is kind 

envieth not 

is not puffed up 

seeketh not her own

is not easily provoked

thinketh no evil

rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth

beareth all things

believeth all things

hopeth all things

endureth all things

Can I ask God to give me all of these gifts?  I know they are the answer to not going down into that chasm.  It is ironic, that for so many years I thought the chasm was of my own digging.  Somehow, something I was doing, or not doing, put me, without realizing it in a place where I would go heading down to the bottom, digging it deeper each time.  But I have learned that I didn't dig that pit.  Satan did.  And he laughs, so loud I can hear him, when I am at the bottom of it.  I have also learned that he doesn't wait to be invited before he pushes us toward the cliff.  He is constantly nudging us and those we love, often so subtly (he is the most subtle of all the beasts of the field) we don't feel or see it - like a silk thread slipping around you, one strand at a time.  Each strand is a glance in the mirror as I walk by and not liking what I see, or a thought of I'm too tired to wash those dishes, or why didn't he take care of that?  I have also learned that sometimes I get yanked into the chasm by someone I love when they go sliding down, because I am holding on to tightly to them.  That is co-dependency.

So how will my long Christmas list help change this awful pattern of misery?  

First, let me say that I have practiced, or at least thought about and studied, each of them with much purpose at times.  When I am not in the bottom of that chasm I am working on several of them at any given time.  Climbing out of the chasm requires believing and hoping for all things.  I have read books on, sought mentoring on and written and practiced diligently on the "not easily provoked and thinketh no evil."  Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth is probably my strongest on that list - I would say it is a gift I was given at a very young age.  Being at the bottom of the chasm has felt like suffering and enduring.  I am not asking for a gift I know nothing about.

Charity and all its parts will help me change this pattern by tying me to the Savior, Jesus Christ.  If I am firmly yoked to Him, then I will not be pulled by Satan, or even those I love. "His yoke is easy and His burden is light," because when I am yoked to the Savior I am tasting, and feeling of his pure love - Charity, and it is sweet.   

The following passage gives me hope that I can be given this gift for Christmas.  I am praying to my Father in Heaven, "who giveth to all men liberrally."  

Moroni 7: 45 - 48 "And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.  Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—  But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;

President Uctdorf's message this month says this:

"Jesus the Christ, who knew perfectly how to give, set for us the pattern for giving. To those whose hearts are heavy with loneliness and sorrow, He brings compassion and comfort. To those whose bodies and minds are afflicted with illness and suffering, He brings love and healing. To those whose souls are burdened with sin, He offers hope, forgiveness, and redemption."

I have recieved each of these gifts from my Savior.  I am asking for Charity for Christmas, so that I can follow His example, and share with others what He has given me.

I am a Mother who knows which way I face.

I face everyone around me.  I am safe with the Lord at my back.  I take counsel from the Lord in how I am to interact with all around me.  I do not take counsel from those around me and then try to persuade the Lord of my own will.

Actually, the above statements are positive affirmations - what I am striving for.  Jesus Christ, in submitting his own will to that of the Father is the only one who has flawlessly lived always remembering which way he faced.

I have actually learned that I have a lot of work to do in this area.  As I first listened to this talk, I thought it was about the LDS culture vs. the world's culture, the gospel vs. the philosophies of men, Christians vs. Babylon.  As I studied it, I realized the lesson I need to gain is in my close relationships.  A close inspection of my life, has shown me that all to often I am fearing man more than God in the form of my husband, mother, sisters, children, friends.  I am trusting in my husband more than God at times too.  I have chosen the right way to face many times, too.  I don't believe in dichotomy.  But I have been shown where I can improve.

With my husband there are a million examples, the first that comes to mind is getting out of bed in the morning, especially on the weekend.  I set a goal, or have a core value of getting up by a certain time, but Jonathan wants to stay in bed and sleep or talk, so often I stay with him - trying to be unified with him, more than God.

With my children, it most often happens when I have to carry out a consequence or enforce a family rule.  I know my child is going to resist, I may deal with a fit, or rolling of eyes, or some other negative feedback, and I fear it more than teaching them what God has asked of us in responsibility and self-government.

My sisters, mother and other friends or family usually looks like going along with their plans or accepting their invitation, even when I know it is not the best choice for me or my family at the time.  This is trusting in their plans more than God's plan for me, or fearing to disappoint or damage our relationships. (That last fear is largely unfounded.)

At Crossfit, it is the Music.  Sometimes the music playing is way outside of acceptable standards - is offensive to the spirit.  I have yet to ask for it to be changed.  But a good friend recently told me she has several times.  I have feared man more than God on that one.

I know that as I follow the Lord, submit to His will, fear Him more than Man, and trust Him I will find more peace, more joy, more happiness.  That is His desire for His children.

I have two books that discuss these topics from different directions:
Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem and Co-Dependant No More.


These thoughts are in response to the talk Which Way Do You Face? by Elder Robbins.