... Two Years Later.
In April I gave birth to a second perfect little girl. We named her Addy. She was a happy baby that slept through the night from only a couple months old. She reached every milestone- smiling, reaching for toys, sitting up, right on target. By mid-December she was learning to crawl.
The night of December 20, Jonathan was on travel, and I was getting us ready for a trip to Utah for Christmas. Jonathan would be home in the afternoon and we would start driving. I had the girls bathed, and in bed. Suitcases packed and the house clean. The presents were all wrapped and carefully hidden in a large suitcase. Just as I turned out all the lights - except the Christmas lights -and was going to head to bed, Addy woke up. I picked her up, and she seemed wide awake, playful. I was in an excited mood, and so I took her out by the tree and we played on the floor. She crawled back and forth to me. After a while, I decided I should try to get her back to sleep, so I nursed her. She was still awake, so I sang to her, nearly every Christmas carol I knew, by then she was still awake, but calm, so I laid her in her bed, and went to mine.
The next morning 2 year old Kate woke me up. I fed her breakfast and then went quietly into the girls room to get her clothes. As I peeked in the crib, I was --- there are no words for what I was --- my baby was dead. Even now my body goes numb, and my mind blank, as I try to remember that moment.
My life was eternally altered. I was carried by the Lord through the next hours, days, weeks and months. Eventually, the Lord set me gently back on my own two feet, and I had to really confront all of my emotions, thoughts, fears, and hopes. I had to know what I really believed, about heaven and eternal families, yes. But I had to know the details, what was my Addy doing as a Spirit. What would it be like when I met her again? Would she be grown or back to her infant body? Had she died because of something I had done or was it really God's will and timing? I began a quest for knowledge. For Truth. When my yearning eased, the pain of missing my baby came back - a physical aching in my arms to hold her, and in my chest - my heart. I learned that to ease the pain I had to return to my quest for understanding.
Through study, prayer, and personal revelation and more study my questions were answered. I learned that I had to accept God's will. Trust that his plan was for my happiness. I had to forgive myself and God. I had to get to the place where like our Savior, I could say, "Not my will, but Thine be done." I cycled in and out of faith and hope, and despair and depression. But always, a tiny thread at a time, my testimony was growing, and God was teaching me.
Once I learned, and really knew in my heart, that my child was in heaven, and I could have her back so long as I qualified for heaven, my quest changed. How was I going to be sure and make it to Heaven? I have so many weaknesses. Make so many mistakes. Like Nephi my spirit rejoices, but my flesh is weak. Why do I wallow in depression when I know the truth of the Gospel?
I had to purge out all iniquity from myself and my home - that was the only way I could get my daughter back, or rather, qualify to go where she is someday.
Along my quest, I began to look at Traditions. I found that I did have some false traditions. Some traditions that were not serving to bring me to Christ. I want everything to bring me to Christ. As a mortal, I need all the help I can get. How could I change tradition? Its very nature and definition mean it is part of our culture, ingrained in us. I had some more painful learning experiences ahead.
To be continued...
In April I gave birth to a second perfect little girl. We named her Addy. She was a happy baby that slept through the night from only a couple months old. She reached every milestone- smiling, reaching for toys, sitting up, right on target. By mid-December she was learning to crawl.
The night of December 20, Jonathan was on travel, and I was getting us ready for a trip to Utah for Christmas. Jonathan would be home in the afternoon and we would start driving. I had the girls bathed, and in bed. Suitcases packed and the house clean. The presents were all wrapped and carefully hidden in a large suitcase. Just as I turned out all the lights - except the Christmas lights -and was going to head to bed, Addy woke up. I picked her up, and she seemed wide awake, playful. I was in an excited mood, and so I took her out by the tree and we played on the floor. She crawled back and forth to me. After a while, I decided I should try to get her back to sleep, so I nursed her. She was still awake, so I sang to her, nearly every Christmas carol I knew, by then she was still awake, but calm, so I laid her in her bed, and went to mine.
The next morning 2 year old Kate woke me up. I fed her breakfast and then went quietly into the girls room to get her clothes. As I peeked in the crib, I was --- there are no words for what I was --- my baby was dead. Even now my body goes numb, and my mind blank, as I try to remember that moment.
My life was eternally altered. I was carried by the Lord through the next hours, days, weeks and months. Eventually, the Lord set me gently back on my own two feet, and I had to really confront all of my emotions, thoughts, fears, and hopes. I had to know what I really believed, about heaven and eternal families, yes. But I had to know the details, what was my Addy doing as a Spirit. What would it be like when I met her again? Would she be grown or back to her infant body? Had she died because of something I had done or was it really God's will and timing? I began a quest for knowledge. For Truth. When my yearning eased, the pain of missing my baby came back - a physical aching in my arms to hold her, and in my chest - my heart. I learned that to ease the pain I had to return to my quest for understanding.
Through study, prayer, and personal revelation and more study my questions were answered. I learned that I had to accept God's will. Trust that his plan was for my happiness. I had to forgive myself and God. I had to get to the place where like our Savior, I could say, "Not my will, but Thine be done." I cycled in and out of faith and hope, and despair and depression. But always, a tiny thread at a time, my testimony was growing, and God was teaching me.
Once I learned, and really knew in my heart, that my child was in heaven, and I could have her back so long as I qualified for heaven, my quest changed. How was I going to be sure and make it to Heaven? I have so many weaknesses. Make so many mistakes. Like Nephi my spirit rejoices, but my flesh is weak. Why do I wallow in depression when I know the truth of the Gospel?
I had to purge out all iniquity from myself and my home - that was the only way I could get my daughter back, or rather, qualify to go where she is someday.
Along my quest, I began to look at Traditions. I found that I did have some false traditions. Some traditions that were not serving to bring me to Christ. I want everything to bring me to Christ. As a mortal, I need all the help I can get. How could I change tradition? Its very nature and definition mean it is part of our culture, ingrained in us. I had some more painful learning experiences ahead.
To be continued...
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