I am a mother who knows Christ will not leave us comfortless.

Today is Addy Day.  It is the day she returned to our Father in Heaven 13 years ago.   Here is some of what I wrote at the time.


Addy came to our home as a gift from our loving Father in Heaven.  She came to gain a body, and complete a short but important mission in this life.  Our family is greatly blessed to have had her. When I first realized that Addy had died I was scared, hurt, confused.  But very quickly my Father in Heaven blessed me with a sweet peace, and the knowledge that Addy's life on earth was complete, that he had called her home to do his work on the others side of the veil.  I know that Addy is with her Savior, and is happy.  I feel that she misses us with the same sweetness that we miss her, but her spirit will always be near to our family, And Kate will have a sister on the other side watching out for her, as a guardian angel

Addy was beaming, Kate, not so much

My Heavenly Father knew how quickly my heart would break when Addy left us.  he did all he could to prepare things to ease my pain.  The week before she died we had our first ever family picture taken..  Addy beamed for the camera.  The last day that I had my sweet Addy was the day before we had planned to go home for Christmas.  I wanted to have pictures to take to Grandmas and decided to use up the last of my film in the camera to try and get a current picture of Addy, and of Kate and Addy together.  I took pictures of my sweet , happy girls and took them to be developed.  The roll came back with some wonderful pictures.  We had bought a couple of special stories to give our girls for Christmas.  That day, because everything was going smoothly, I took time to write a letter to Addy inside the front cover of her book.

I put two happy girls to bed that night, and finished wrapping a few last gifts and put the last of our clothes in suitcases to go hoe.  I finished at 11 and just then Addy started to wake up.  This was not usual for her. and if I had followed our "rules" I would have let her cry it out to keep her sleeping through the night, but instead, because I was still awake, I got her up.  She was happy and seemed playful so we sat on the floor in front of the Christmas tree, and played.  She crawled across the floor to me a few times and gazed at the Christmas lights.  She sat on my lap, and played with my hand, patting it, and waving her hands.  Then I went and nursed her.

 After eating well she still was not sleepy, so I took her in her room and rocked her and sang to her all my favorite carols. I started with Silent Night, then God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, O Holy Night, Away in a Manger, We Three Kings, many others I don't recall.  I ended with Hush Thee My Baby, and one more time of Silent Night.  She snuggled in my arms and after a while, settled down.  I laid her in her crib, covered her up, and kissed her goodnight.  This sweet little baby knew she was leaving and said her good-byes to ease her mother's pain.  I did not know it was good-bye then, but I am so grateful for such a sweet last memory.


Years later I can say that I still miss my little girl.  I know she watches over our family, I feel her near when I am at the temple.  She is a tangible anchor that keeps me striving to return to Heaven myself.

Most of all I can say that God knew what I needed to experience in order to make me really change and learn and grow.  He gave me the sweet and bitter experience then, to prepare me for other experiences later on, and so that I can have empathy for others.

Each time I turn to God for comfort, with real faith, and purpose of heart, He does give me solace. He lets me choose to turn to Him for peace or to try and fight through on my own.  I have tried both options at different times.  I can definitively say I prefer the peace and comfort that He offers to the pain and loneliness and despair that I find on my own.  He has shown me his working in my life, in the little details, like a picture taken on certain day, and in the big over-arching direction of my life.  I have felt His presence, I know He is there.  He has not left me comfortless.

I am a mother who knows peace.

Merry Christmas 2014!

Twas the night before New Years and all through our house,
There was peace and rejoicing, for me and my spouse.

The children were tucked all snug in their beds,
While visions of happiness danced in their heads.

I had thought through this past year and saw good and bad,
Some hard times of sadness, and the miracles we had.

Our measures of progress were scarce to appear,
Our lives looked the same to those we call dear.

But if you could open and see in our hearts
They now are fast made with much stronger parts.

We learned from our garden that God has a plan.
His cycles teach patience to impatient man.

Bright Kate found her dream to teach others truth
through music and stage about Esther (and Ruth?)

Good Cassidy has served her family in love.
Our expectations she exceeds beyond and above.

Boy Wyatt has grown to love working with Dad.
Also reading, eating, and flying are times to be had.

Joy! Mille has taught us to always keep trying,
Though sometimes life's hard and we find ourselves crying.

Estella Jane's walking and smiles remind
that her health is a miracle from a Father, kind.

At Crossfit we're given the chance to grow muscle
that helps us at home and when life is a bustle.

But greatest blessing this year that I can recall
Is Christ's Atonement to lift us each time we fall.

Jesus came into our home through scripture and prayer
Our lives are changed for we felt him there.

May this new year for you bring a blessing so sweet.
Although the joy comes after tears at His feet.

Home-grown watermelon.  Can't we eat it already?

Home crafted costume of Glinda the good witch

Getting violins for first lessons.

Saying Goodbye to Raksaka

 

Airplane ride for 9th Birthday.

  

Hot date to see the lights.

 

I am a mother who knows how to say "I'm Sorry"

Mortality is about practicing.  Everyday I try to live as Jesus would.  Everyday I make some mistakes.  Some days I do something really wrong.  And I feel aweful.  But I can say that the trend if I were charting my progress is definitely moving upward toward living who I want to be - who God wants me to be.

Today I made a big mistake.  I "blew up" as Wyatt, my 9 year old said it.  I lost a battle with Satan.  In hind sight I can see where the little thoughts started coming in.  "This is not going how I planned."  "I'm never going to get my list done."  "I should be getting more help from ____ and  ____ and ____."  "Why is my baby so fussy today.  It is not possible to both love the little ones and teach the older ones to work, and get all the work done."  "Jonathan said he would be home a half hour ago.  Where is he?"  They are just common thoughts of busy motherhood.  But they each have a negative connotation.  They are lacking hope, and trust in God's plan for me.  They are lacking patience and certainly joy.  

That is how Satan works with me.  Subtly.  Nothing so strikingly wrong that I stop and throw it out right then.  But those little thoughts spill into emotions,  I started to become short, unpleasant in my interactions.  Then one more straw...  Today it was two of my children arguing with each other.  I joined in the fight in a most ridiculous way.  I came storming in and yelled at them, and told them if they were going to yell they had to go outside.  

I immediately recognized the absurdity of what I was saying, and because I felt terrible for my behavior, it came out as miserable, which equates to more sharp words as I tried to justify myself by explaining why they were in the wrong.  I hate this ridiculous mortal tendency.  I always want to prove I wasn't so bad, so I go on doing bad.

After giving myself 3 time-outs.  One outside - my just punishment for yelling in the house.  Then one in my room as I rocked my baby to sleep. - That is a very soothing, and calming ritual - what a blessing to me.  My third timeout was sitting on the couch downstairs in deep thought, going over the day and all that led up to my losing  the battle with Satan.  This is called a lost battle analysis and it helps me to prepare differently so that I can win the next battle.

Finally, I was ready to apologize.  To each child individually, then to my Father in Heaven, with my family gathered around me.  I pleaded for the Holy Spirit to come back into our home, that we could feel love and enjoy the remainder of the day, and I acknowledged that it was my fault that a contentious spirit - one of Satan's had entered our home.

Heavenly Father answered that prayer abundantly.  We were a close and happy family the rest of today.

I am a mother who knows my child.

This is a story I wrote for Mille, my 5 year old who, since a baby, has struggled with learning and developing skills that come easy to most of us.

Seven Gifts

When Mille was sent from Heaven to Earth, her Heavenly Father gave her several gifts.  He carefully chose these gifts to help her on her journey so that she would be able to return to him.  He loved her very much, but she could only return to live with Him, if she learned how to, and chose to live like Him.  Otherwise she would not be happy and comfortable in His home.

The first two gifts he gave her were given to every child He sent to Earth. 

The first gift was Agency.  This gift would give Mille the freedom to choose everything she did in this life.  She could choose to be kind or to hurt others, to share or to keep things all to herself.  She could choose to obey or to disobey.  She could choose to be honest or to tell a lie.  She could choose to work hard or to just play.  She could choose to try, and try again or to quit when something was hard.  She could choose to learn or to ignore.

The second gift was His son, Jesus.  Jesus showed the path back to Heavenly Father and he Atoned for Mille’s sins and pain and weakness. This means he paid the penalty for her sins, and felt all her sorrow, and hurt.  Because He was perfect and the physical son of Heavenly Father this was His mission, and only He could do it.

The other gifts He gave her were unique to Mille.  Four gifts came in beautiful shining packages.  Mille was thrilled to hold each of them.  They made her warm and joyful and excited as she looked at and explored them.

Three was the gift of a beautiful, healthy body.  Mille had yellow-gold hair, blue eyes that sparkled when she giggled, which she did a lot. A button nose and a tear-drop shaped face.  Her frame was small and dainty. She had perfect posture and amazing flexibility.

The fourth gift was Music.  Mille loved music and dancing.  She learned to sing the song “I am a Child of God” long before she spoke her first sentence.  She often sang and danced as she went about her day.

The fifth gift was Joy.  Mille felt excitement over so many things.  She loved the animals, and flowers.  She loved the flavor and texture of foods.  She would light up and give hugs when she saw people she loved… and to complete strangers.  She loved holidays, especially “Happy Days” as she called birthdays.  On her calendar, time was measured by holidays.

The sixth gift was Love of Family.  Mille loved families, more than most, especially mothers and babies.  She would watch family movies on the computer and look at family pictures in albums.  She would play house to practice being a mother.  She would often ask other people about their children, and she would talk about the husband and children she would have when she grew up. 

Mille’s last gift was different.  It was not bright and shiny like her other gifts.  It was wrapped in ordinary, plain brown paper.  It was very heavy, too heavy for her to carry alone.  Mille wasn’t sure she really wanted this gift.  But Heavenly Father assured her that this gift was her most important gift to help her return to Him.  This was her gift that would teach her how to live as Jesus did.  It would be the gift that would prepare her to live with Him again. 

This seventh gift was a Trial.  It was a different wiring in her brain that made it harder for her to learn things.

When other children crawled at 8 months, it took Mille until 12 months.  When other children walked at 12 months, it took Mille until 20 months.  When other children could talk in sentences at 2 years, it took Mille until she was 3 ¾ years.  She had to be told the names of things like colors, and animals, and food, and toys 20 or 30 or 50 times before her brain could remember them.  It was hard for her to say what she needed and wanted and sometimes this was very frustrating.

When other children played a game, Mille was sometimes lost.  She did not understand how to play, or her body struggled to do the movements and keep up, or her brain could not form the words.  Then she would be left out and her feeling would hurt.

She couldn’t always tell when her body needed to go to the bathroom.  Sometimes that was very embarrassing.

Heavenly Father promised Mille other gifts to come as she needed them.  If she would pray and ask for a gift and work hard for it, He would send her every gift she may need or want that would help her return Home.  He loved her, and wanted to help her return.

Because Mille’s seventh gift was too heavy to carry alone.  Her father and mother and sisters and brother all helped Mille carry it at times.  Other people also came into Mille's life and helped her carry her heavy gift.  In return Mille shared her other gifts with them.

I am a mother who knows where I am going.

I just finished reading The Last Battle, the last book in the Narnia series to my children.  We all cried with joy at the end,as we read of how sweet it will be when we at last make it through this life.  It is so insightful to the plan of salvation.  The mercy of the our Savior, Jesus Christ.  I am so imperfect, no better than a dog, as the Calormene put it.  I continue to make mistakes, so often the same ones, but just as Christ has commanded us to forgive seventy times seven, so He forgives me each time I turn back to Him, and try again to do right.  I have felt a great peace, and strengthening from Him over the past few weeks, as I have tried with a renewed diligence to put Him first in my life.  That means I seek His approval, not the approval of my fellow mortals.

It means I follow Him, even when those around won't.  In Narnia, at one point Lucy sees Aslan beckoning to her and knows he wants her to follow him, but the others she is with don't see Him, and won't go that direction, so she stays with her group and go another way.  They end up in trouble and lost and have to redo the distance back.  Aslan again appears to Lucy.  He asks her why she didn't follow Him.  She said the others wouldn't go.  Aslan again asks, "Why didn't you follow me?"  That part has stuck firmly in my mind.

My other favorite piece I learned is that everything is "soon" in Aslan's time.  Just as the Lord told Joseph Smith "Thy troubles shall be but a small moment"  Keeping things in this eternal perspective makes the tough spots much easier to endure.  It is like when my lungs are burning and muscles don't want to go any more at Crossfit.  I tell myself: "This is only a 6 minute WOD.  You can do anything for 6 minutes!"