There is a bridge over the deep, dark chasm.

I have often likened depression to a deep chasm.  I end up at the bottom without knowing how.  It is dark, and cold, and lonely and terrifying.  When I am down there I cannot see my way up, nor can I see the blue sky, green trees and grass, flowers, or hear the birds singing.  Instead I only see the ugly, swampy, deadness.  I hear lies, that sound like my own voice telling me there is no hope:  "I am doomed to feel miserable forever.  Life is too hard, it is not worth putting forth the effort to make it better, because there is no such thing as better.  People who seem happy are only putting on a show.  Or they are simply stronger, smarter, more capable than I am."

This past couple of weeks I have been dealing with some depression again.  But instead of ending up in a chasm, it was only a valley.  I could hear the lies.  Life seemed somewhat bleak.  But I was able to keep my heart focused on truths.  I did not once lose my temper of become sharp or unkind to my children or husband.  I was not enthusiastic, encouraging or fun-loving as want to be, but I was not mean like I usually become with depression.  I did have one bout when my negative, critical view escaped my mouth, but I was able to get control of it before too long.  I kept my Eternal Warriors commitments to pray, write and read, as well as my other three mother goals.  I made good progress on preparing our house for selling.  All this, while not feeling much energy or enthusiasm - more like lethargy and apathy.  Seeing many negatives all around me and in me.

Yesterday evening it was peaking.  I was really down, crying.  Discouraged that it wasn't going to pass despite my doing all I know to get out of it.  Exercise, listening to conference, healthy diet, oils.  I had even written down my automatic thoughts (Satan's lies) and written countering truths, but nothing was helping.

Then I was given a new vision of my situation.  This depression was not a valley.  It was still a chasm, as dark and deep as any I have faced, but the Lord had been holding me up as I journeyed across.  He had provided a bridge across it.  Because I had been doing my part, and seeking to do His will, and because He wanted to bless me, I was not feeling the miserable, dark depths, but only a shallow portion of it.

I rejoice that the Lord is merciful.  That he desires our joy.  That His plan for us is perfect.  Without tasting the darkness of depression, I would not comprehend the brilliant beauty that life is meant to be.  It is always a humbling reminder of my dependence upon my Savior for my happiness, and strengthens my faith and love for Him.  He is the way to escape the chasm, whether by means of a way to climb out from the depths, or in merciful goodness to provide a bridge across.

 

Increasing my mother heart

My prayers and journal are becoming more and more consumed with how I can help my children to reach their dreams, and fulfill their God-given potential and purpose on this earth, and less about my own personal struggles and projects.  I have heard many times that having a clear mission statement that you recite, and daily consider will change you, yet I am still amazed as I feel it happen to me. The Lord is slowly and surely guiding me to become to become a Powerful, Purposeful, and Nurturing Mother.

Kate - My courageous 15 year old, has big dreams for her future - but her current project is to compete in the Shakespeare Festival with a dance and  ballroom open at Gem State.  For both of these she needs private lessons with a choreographer, and costumes.  This is expensive.  So she has devised a plan to earn the money.  She is going to put on some fabulous summer camps for children.  She has held Fairy Ettiquette camps in the past to earn money for lessons and had a lot of fun, and great responses from the girls and their mothers.  She will be holding these again this summer, but also branching out to hold a Sons and Daughters of Freedom camp.  She loves America, our Constitution and the God-inspired, liberty driven men and women who established our country and gave us the blessed, prosperous lives we know.  She wants to share that love and teach about the requirements and costs of keeping that liberty. She is creating a plan using games, stories, and music to teach the principles of freedom to 8-12 year olds.

I love her ideas, and support them whole-heartedly, if with some fear and trepidation over the amount of work ahead.  I know she will learn tons from the experience and bless those who participate with a wonderful experience too!

Cassidy has decided she loves violin and wants to buy her own.  So she is working and saving to earn money for this.  She also wants to do a study group this coming school year focusing on American History and Permaculture Gardening.  She hopes to find a small, dedicated group of peers to join her on her journey.

Wyatt's current dream is to create a new breed of dog.  Random?  He is planning to accomplish his Bear before the new Cub Scout program is released - no small amount of work.  He also is determined that he needs more boy time to get out all his energy.  He has a fabulous math brain like his father and the same thoughtful, tender heart.

Mille is my fragile child, for lack of a better word.  She has fragile feelings and is very socially aware despite her inability to show it.  This comes out in all kinds of struggles - toileting accidents, eating, getting dressed, going to therapy and simply being included or not in the activities of her friends and cousins.  She is physically a tiny thing, and is calmer, more still and cautious than most children.  Mille has an amazing light within her.  It usually is shining so that others quickly come to love her warm smile, contagious giggle, and eagerness to love and be loved.  She often is on my mind, wondering how I can help her to learn to function in this world, to see her own strengths and fight through her weaknesses.  To keep her innocence safe and her heart protected because it seems extra pure and extra sensitive to damage from the harshness of this world.

Janey is physically strong and robust.  She is energetic and spunky, determined and quick to pick things up.  She loves hugs and books, food and outside.  She needs constant watching and guiding to avoid the appearance of a tornado having whirled its way through our house.  She is my
"Beautiful baby, beautiful child.
Gentle and maybe just a little bit wild."

I love being a mother.  It is heart-wrenching, challenging, thrilling.  I will never reach a plateau or boredom because I can always become infinitely better.  It is my ground for becoming.

How I am Changing the World

I had a fun conversation today with a friend who is mulling over education choices for her children. Her oldest will be in kindergarten in the fall.  She is a brilliant woman, a careful mother and doing her homework.  She has looked at the local public elementary, has researched the charter schools around, and is wanting to explore the options in the homeschool world.  I was impressed with her careful look at all the options.

She is also searching for more fulfillment in her life.  She treasures motherhood, and has a one day a week profession that gives her adult interaction, however she is very honest with herself about the struggles of boredom, loneliness and monotony that can be the bane of homemaking.  Nevertheless, she is courageously considering the possibility of quitting the job to be home full time even as she worries that she will be miserable without something to stimulate her mind.

I say hooray for wanting to be a full time mother!  That is a mother-heart calling for its divine potential.

And yes, bored, overwhelmed, and stagnated with dishes, diapers, and laundry is a very real and common situation with moms.

So how do mothers find joy in the day to day difficulties of runny noses, 2 year old tantrums, and coaxing 7 year olds to eat their broccoli or feed the dog, or practice their spelling list?  How do mothers not lose themselves completely in the piles of laundry - to wake up one day not knowing who they are or why they are trying to match stray socks?

First, my grandmother taught me to darn socks by saying "That darn sock has a hole." and then throw it in the trash.  I apply this amply to stray socks as well.

As to finding joy in the mundane, and retaining a sense of self the key is knowing why.  Why is what drives the choice, the action.  Being consciously aware of why you do something puts your emotion into it, aligns it with your core values.  Answering "Why?"  gives you your purpose.

Why do mothers change diapers, fix meals, wash dishes, wash and fold laundry, chauffeur children, read stories over and over, wipe noses, help with tedious homework, assign chores they could do faster, easier and better themselves, give consequences, clean bloody knees, and put band-aids on invisible owies?  It is because they know they are changing the world as they do it.  If they do a good job, they make the world better, they are shaping a life, bringing it closer to God and to joy, or further from it.  According to their choices that child will be blessed or experience misery.  No other position on earth has even close to as much influence on the lives of other human beings.

Motherhood is a position of power.  God gave it to women because of our natures.  We are not as easily power-hungry, or harsh.  It is a power that if wielded with wisdom, gentleness, nurturing, respect for agency, integrity and love, will produce great joy for the mother and her offspring. - Not to say that there won't be pain, challenges and mistakes by both mother and child - this is mortality, a practice ground.  But the Why remains strong.  Mothers do what they do because it is the noblest, most challenging, most rewarding thing they could do in a lifetime.  It is the work of God - to raise children.

But, you say, that Why is so hard to remember when you are up in the middle of the night mopping up vomit, or breaking up the umpteenth quarrel in a day.

The answer to that is we must keep learning and growing ourselves.  If we stagnate in our personal growth, our children will stagnate also.  If we are anxiously engaged in our own life long pursuit of knowledge, truth, and excellence so will our children be.

For me this growth has come from many different avenues.  I was impressed early in my motherhood by an article called "An Education without a Classroom" in which a young mother, surrounded by college students chose to keep learning via books from the local library and her kitchen table.  This inspired me to keep learning without excuse according to the situation I am in.   I have loved book groups, or Colloquia where everyone comes ready to discuss and learn a book that has changed them.  I use park days so kids can play and moms can talk or do a project together, teaching classes myself so that I have to study and prepare, personal mentoring, and occasionally a formal class or lessons.  Conferences are inspiring.  Always I have to plan in time weekly where I can visit with other women and learn from them and share what I am learning and thereby be strengthened.

The conclusion to all this is that this summer for my growth and hopefully that of a few other moms I am planning to have a weekly Mom's study group (held at a park so kids can play).  I have 3 different directions I am thinking of going, based on my current passions and learning and I'm looking for other interested moms.
A.  Creating a Master Inspire Plan for your family.  Reading, discussing and creating what you want for your family.
B.  Personal Discipline to gain control of your own thoughts and actions  - Eternal Warriors
C.  Permaculture:  A design system for gardening, self-reliance, and wholistic living.

If you live in the Weber/Davis area and are interested in learning with me on one of these this summer send me an email, text or FB message with what topic you like and I will keep you posted as plans develop.

Your fellow learner,
Emily

Crossfit Open Ranking 12,476

Today I finished my first attempt at the Crossfit Open, in which some 289,000 people around the world competed.  It was my first time doing anything at all competitive, and I hoped to rank in the top 1/3.  I have been able to do that - and a little better.  I ended in the top 10%.  I've known for a couple months that I wanted to try and get competitive with Crossfit.  As I struggle to give everything I have to a WOD, I have to continually ask "Why?"

"Why do I want to do this?"  Why do I want to push myself physically beyond what is needed for good health and anti-depressant benefits.  Why do I want to put in extra time, and deal with very sore muscles and torn and callused hands?  Why do I want to learn to concentrate, to conquer the mind-game, to give all I have to a 15 minute workout?  What is the point?

Today, as I for the umpteenth time asked those questions, I received an answer.

I need to have walked the path of success and excellence before I can guide my children on it.  Their own choices of what to excel at will be different than mine, but until I have experienced what it is to work for and achieve a difficult dream, how can I tell my children they can.  How can I mentor them on "the Path" if I have not walked it myself.

I have a good friend who I have long admired for her ability to help her children succeed at everything they engage in.  Okay, at times is has been envy.  She, as a youth, learned to walk that path: leads in plays, valedictorian, beauty pageant queen.  I have fumbled to know how to help my own children reach the goals and dreams they have.  I have tried - and we have had some good goes, but my dear Kate has not yet come close to tasting her dreams or reaching her potential, and I have not known how to help her.  I try to tell her if she keeps working hard and has faith she can, but I have no experience to draw on.  I know there is amazing music, wisdom, and love that she needs to share with the world, and I want to be able to look at her and say "Kate, I know that if you follow this path of work, and faith, and seeking and submitting to the mentor, and failing better, and not giving up, and going when it hurts, when you are all alone, when you want to quit... after that test, you will achieve your hearts righteous desires.  I know, because I have walked that path."


I am working to be successful at Crossfit for that reason.  My goal is to make it to regionals - this make take more than a year or two.  Sometimes I look at that goal and think I'm crazy - it is too big, but I feel that God wants me to give my all, while I am at the box.  And then come home and give my all in the same purposeful, passionate, excited way to raising my children.  On we go for a dream!

Thoughts on Childbirth

Hi Emily!

I hope you are doing well. I sure love reading your blog. Your words make me feel like I'm not alone in wondering all my mothering thoughts.  You have always been such a great example to me, and you are one of the best moms I know.

Sometime around Labor Day I'll be going into labor again and I vaguely remember you mentioning on Rachelle's Facebook page that you thought fondly of your hypnobirthing experience. I'm curious why that was your favorite and if you went to a class for that or perhaps read a book. Also, was that a natural childbirth? My first two deliveries were great, but I'm wanting to try things the way my body was meant to do them.... maybe :)

Anyway, I thought I would start asking moms I love and look up to about this and I'm interested in anything you have to offer on the subject.

Take care!
Briana

Sweet Briana,

I am excited to hear from you!  Hooray on this new addition coming.  

Yes, hypno-birthing is a natural birth preparation method.  Here is my story - 

My first two children I had epidurals, no problems.  My third, I was planning on an epidural, but she came too fast.  I was blessed with a fabulous nurse from Europe, who worked wonderfully as a coach and helped me through.  Since then, I have gone natural.  Faster recovery, more intense experience.  The gospel teaches us that there must needs be opposition in all things, and in order to appreciate the sweet things, we must experience the hard things.  I have found that level of my joy is intensified, and my faith and sense of partnering with God is increased when I walk that hard road.  Also, Jonathan became an integral part of the birthing process - not just an onlooker.    I gain a new sense of my own strength and weakness through the journey of natural childbirth.  That being said, everyone has different needs at different times in their lives and I believe that modern anesthetics can be truly a blessing from that Lord at times too.  God will guide anyone who seeks his counsel in this decision.

My first planned natural birth was hard, fast, and I don't remember the details too much.

My second I prepared with a book called The Bradley Method; Husband Coached Childbirth.  I loved his philosophy of conception is between  husband and wife and delivery should be also.  I add that God is also part of both experiecnes.  He used breathing patterns and talked about observing how animals birth calmly.  It worked okay - but was still very difficult.  I would not describe it as a beautiful or peaceful experience, but it was natural and I have no regrets.  (Jonathan will tell you that I always get to that really hard part and think I am going to die - and proclaim it )  I had a Nurse Midwife and delivered at the hospital - she was all for epidurals, but willing to support my wishes.

For my last child, I really wanted a home birth, but for reasons of cost, and that Janey had a medical problem we ended up delivering at UofU with a special needs OB.  Heather, Adam's wife, and one of my other cousins, both loved their hypno-birthing experiences.  I was a little skeptical because I have always felt that the hypnosis used for entertainment was giving up agency or lowering inhibitions in an inappropriate way.  But I decided to read the book and see if it felt right.  It did.  

Hypnosis in childbirth is self-hypnosis, and it is actually just training yourself to get in a very relaxed, yet focused meditative state.  It is all about learning to control and focus your mind and your body.  I loved that it was actually about intense self-control, rather than about giving up your self-control to another person.  I just used the book, and read about self-hypnosis and meditation and relaxation from other sources.  And lots and lots of practicing.  I loved writing out my birth script, and had Jonathan practice it with me several times.  It was not a read from start to finish, but different chunks as I needed them.   I will send you my birth script so you can see it.  I have heard that people love the classes, and many people say getting an excellent doula is super helpful for natural childbirth.  I can say yes to that from my first natural birth experience where the nurse stepped in and helped me immensely.  However, I think it is ideal for my husband to play that crucial role, and it did bring us closer together.

The day of Janey's birth, I was induced because we were driving  to SLC.  I was worried about pitocin causing more pain than I could handle, and so we started with just breaking my water.  It didn't work, so three hours later, they started pitocin.  When labor really started I had Jonathan work through the birth script with me.  I would tell him when I needed something different - but often he could tell on his own.  He said it was physically and mentally challenging for him also - both my mom and Jonathan's momwere there, and my daughter Cassidy - the first birth since our first that we had anyone else.  There were also a whole slew of doctors and nurses and interns coming in and out - because Janey was a rare case and they expected her to have severe complications at birth.  But once the contractions were regular and strong, I became very focused and don't remember much of who was around other than Jonathan.  It was hard, but peaceful and spiritual as I prepared for.  It became very much a prayer for strength and focus, and careful, concentrated focus on relaxing what I could and letting my uterus be all that was contracting.  I remember moving from sitting to on my hands and knees, and be amazed at how intense things were.  But according to all the onlookers everything was very calm and peaceful. So it caught them somewhat by surprise when one of the interns noticed Janey was crowning and after a few pushes she was born.   

My prayer throughout the pregnancy was that I would be able to hold her after birth, that she would be stable enough for that. I wanted the miracle of a healthy baby, but didn't dare get my hopes up for it, I just really wanted to hold her soon after she was born.  She has an enlarged brain ventricle that looked likely to be affecting her executive functions - heart and lungs.  So they told me should would be whisked through a little window to NICU and if all was well I would get to hold her after her initial exam, but if there were problems she would be transferred as soon as she was stable to Primary Children's NICU.  

She was born pink and breathing! After 5 minutes of NICU exam she was given back to me and never left my side again.  She still has an enlarged brain ventricle but the only noticable effects so far have been that her left leg lagged behind a few weeks in picking up the movement for crawling.

For me, the visualization and practicing faith in the process of preparation for birth became a growing experience.  It was a means of exercising my faith, which in turn strengthened my faith, and then prepared me for the beautiful miracle God had in store.  I think the hypnobirthing method teaches and supports the skills of exercising faith, as well as developing self-mastery of mind and body.  It doesn't directly create a spiritual experience, but you can make it so.  It does give a beautiful, healthy view of motherhood and the birthing process and tools to make it happen.

I hope that helps some.  Please ask more questions if you have them.

Love, Emily

   

Warrior Chemistry

As a woman and mother I am not naturally violent.  In fact, I am usually more passive and seeking peace.  However, I am currently learning to drill for warrior chemistry - the fight or flight response that chooses to fight.  This blog is a warrior drill.

I am being attacked mentally.   It is bedtime, and I have not completed my daily commitments of Power Goals.  Satan is attacking me with "It's late, your tired, you don't want to read your scriptures or write in your journal"  "You are a failure again - you keep saying you are going to do those things early in the day - but you never do."  " It is cold, and if you stay out of bed to do them, you will be awake a long time trying to get warm."  "Sleep is a core value, too"  "It's your anniversary - you deserve to play instead."  "You are so tired, that you can't possibly get anything our of your reading, and your blog will be a bunch of aimless mush."

As I read back through it, I find it hilarious that he tries every approach - completely contradictory ideas - "your too tired" and "you deserve to play instead."  I am committed to these goals and I will not consciously choose to fail!  So there, Satan!  (Can you see me sticking out my tounge!)

Next attack:  While I am writing - keeping my commitment and acting according to my core value - Satan throws another tactic.  "Why is Jonathan talking to me? It distracts me and slows me down."  " He gets to spend time on something fun (he is programming Crossfit for me, at my request), and I have to do these things."  Those thoughts made me feel blaugh.  Tired, discouraged.  It was a chemical shift that I felt.  When I stop to write down those flashing thoughts, I am shocked.  They are simply not true - Jonathan asked one short question about our schedule for the next couple of weeks so that he could program accordingly.  I am sincerely grateful that he is programming for me.  And I am excited about writing this blog and that I still get to write a Letter to God, and study God words in the scriptures.  Those are both things that I value highly as a means of gaining the spirit in my life, and receiving personal guidance in my life from God, who knows all and loves me, and is the only source of truth and happiness.  I treasure time spent with Him, above all else - when I am being true to myself and not stoned by Satan's lies.

My warrior chemistry is on now!  I am ready to give my best effort to these most important things, regardless of the time of day or night.  I am a Warrior!  I am on the Lord's side!

A Day Up the Scale*

Today I climbed out of bed and my emotions were raging.  I felt overwhelmed with my day, and out of control of my thoughts.  I had this great idea of how to make St. Patrick's day fun, but I slept in too late, I was out of my comfort zone, not being in my own home, and my mind went off - okay I must give credit where credit is due - Satan went off telling me that I could not possibly get everything done, that I was a bad mother because I did not have a surprise ready when my children woke up, that my mother in-law was certainly judging me to be a bad mom because I wasn't doing something fun for my children,  that life is too hard, miserable, and everything is going down hill.

Yes, Satan really does go off on me like that, and for the first time in weeks, I was believing him.  I just sank under the weight of it all.  All day I was moving between agitated, irritable and grumpy to depressed, crying, to simply apathetic, tired and lazy.  I can blame it on PMS, on my life being discombobulated, because we are in the midst of so much transition, or simply on a bad day, but until I find the real source of my misery I cannot work on overcoming and changing and preventing it from reoccurring.  It is Satan who seeks to torment and make me miserable like himself.

Satan got in my head and in my on voice was spouting lies, that I was believing.  He had a heyday.  I struggled for recovery several times during the day, but could tell that at best I was at a 1 or 2 (Chemical drip or feelings).   Finally, after a brief surprise visit with an old friend I was finally brought back down to 0.  As I shared with her my bad day, and she shared with me her own struggles, I could see clearly that what I want - what I am fighting for - is my children to feel my love,  to see a path that leads to happiness, and that by my buying into Satan's lies and letting him run my day, I had not given them that model.  I felt the Warrior chemistry surge, the antidote to Satan's chemical spills took effect and I was restored to my caring, real self.

The truth is that Jesus Christ knows my situation.  He knows what I can handle, and will help me to know what things are best and help me to do them.  He will also help me to let go of the extra things.  His atonement can enable me to be the mother I desire.  The truth is that St. Patrick's day is not essential for teaching eternal truths - (although my husband came up with an awesome scripture treasure hunt that compared our journey through life to a rainbow and the atonement as a gift better than gold.)  The truth is my mother-in-law loves me, and has never shown anything other than love and acceptance of me - even with all my quirky ways.  The truth is that life challenging, so we can grow, glorious with ups to match the downs, and our life are progressing toward our Savior as we keep seeking to follow him.

Satan lied, and had me going for a day.  But he didn't win!  

* Learn about The Chemical Scale