I always have room to improve.

I have been Crossfitting for over two years now.  I have made some big improvements and am much stronger and faster than when I started.  But I am nowhere near the capacity of my potential.

Last night Jonathan and I looked at the Crossfit levels and I was astonished at the amount of work one must do to complete those skill levels.  I am not sure I can yet fully pass level one.  It was fun to dream about the potential our body has for doing things, and wonder if I could work to a level three A this year.  I feel quite healthy.  I am certainly the strongest in any physical area that I have ever been in my life.  Yet there is infinite room to grow and improve.

I realized that this is God's plan:  for us to grow and improve in all areas of our life.  In the time we are given on earth we will never max out.  There will always be more refinement in how we love, serve, learn, work, communicate, and enjoy life.  God is perfect, and he commanded us to be perfect. Yet my mortal mind and body is still in its infancy of progress toward that charge.  I have an endless array of areas to work on, and an unlimited capacity of improvement in each.

God is hastening his work...

...One little miracle at a time.

I received a powerful gift of healing in a much shorter timeframe than I had been expecting.  I have been struggling with some personal issues over the past few months that have rocked my world and caused me to really search deep as to what I believe on some core issues and values.  I was hurt deeply and had to learn a new level of forgiveness.  In conjunction with it, I was made aware of some serious weaknesses and faults within myself, that needed to be changed and purged - the messy, ugly, emotional kind that get all tangled up in everyday living.

This situation led me to searching through a lifetime of journals, to find myself at the temple weekly, to study the scriptures and conference talks with increased hunger.  It has changed the fervency and frequency of my prayers. True to the pride cycle, I have been compelled to be humble.  I have chosen to turn to the Lord and accept his chastening as a reminder to increase my faith and resolve to follow Him.  He has blessed me.  Far more than I could have hoped. 

Yesterday, after a couple of powerful outpourings of the Spirit, I was told that part of my life is healed, it is made whole.  I had been telling myself a date 8 weeks from now- that I needed to find resolution by then. I had been praying to know what I needed to do, to learn, to process and work through, so that I could then pull the emphasis off of this crisis, and put my energy into other areas of life.  God gave me the gift much sooner and more clearly and powerfully than I had been expecting.  I had been telling myself it would be a miracle to receive what I was asking by March.

I feel and see that God is hastening His work upon the earth.  He is pouring out blessings faster and stronger in proportion with the growing wickedness, and also in preparation of the second coming of His son, Jesus Christ.  I feel Him blessing me with a hastened healing, so that I can move forward, with improved focus on motherhood, and doing my part in building His kingdom.  By small and simple things are great things brought to pass.  God's miracle for me was small and simple in the big scheme of things.  But it has brought great things to our family.  And it is the composite of God working in each individual life, by which he writes the beautiful symphony of His Plan of Salvation. 

 

Satan hates beauty.

Actually, Jonathan just told me that.  We have had two beautiful, miraculously beautiful days.  The Spirit of God has flooded the life of our family in a sweet way.  Some relationships have been healed, some inspiration received and a peaceful feeling of hope and love has abounded.  My soul is rejoicing in the goodness and Glory of God.
Tonight Jonathan and I were sitting at the kitchen table each recording our thoughts in his journal about the last two days.  Jonathan looked up and said, "This is beautiful.  Satan hates beauty.  He will try to tempt us this week.  If we pray to know how he will next attack, we will know what to do so, that he will not have power over us." 
 

I am a mother who knows I am nothing.

Last night I said I am divine.  I am.  But I am also mortal, weak, one of billions of others.  I make mistakes.  I have 37 years of experiences and information that have gone into my brain as memory, and not all of it is beautiful, true, or good.  I have habits- oh, do I have habits, some of which I am not fond of.

Just as I am a Child of God, I am also of the dust of the earth.  Alone, left to my own devices and powers, I am nothing.

A woman I highly respect, after reading and counseling me on a personal vision statement that I had spent two months in writing, and rewriting, and revising, and editing, recommended one book to me.  Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem.  It's message is that all the hype about needing to have a boosted self-esteem and see ourselves as great, sets us up for disappointment.  Just like having a mortal super hero - a ball player, or movie star - is a let down when you find out they made some serious mistakes.  So it is with having ourself as a hero. We  inevitably let ourselves down, because we make mistakes - that is why we are on earth - to learn.  Learning is not about a perfect performance.  That is the end goal, but the learning phase is about  practice, and practice always involves hiccups, mistakes, slower that perfect timing, errors, stretching, growing, difficulty, opposition, a struggle.  So placing our hopes, and faith and trust in ourselves is just as erroneous as placing our trust in any other arm of flesh.  We will be dissappointed.

Deep down we know we are suseptible to failure.  We know we are not perfect.  We know we are not as completely good as the outside world sees.  We always put our best self out - but there is in all of us a weaker self too.  In our hearts we know that, so working too hard at building self-esteem just leaves us puffed up on air.

In the end it is God that we can glory in.  He is perfect.  He is all knowing, all powerful.  He has perfect love, justice, and mercy.  When I have good thoughts, it is inspired of God.  When I do good, it is by his grace.  When I do wrong, it is through His atonement that I am made clean and able to start again.

I am nothing but Jesus Christ in whom I trust, whose side I am on, is Everything.

I am a mother who knows that a slow start does not mean defeat.

I wanted to start this new year off with a bang!  I had my heart set on some really big goals.  Mostly a long list of Crossfit skills and PRs that I want to reach in order to prepare for some local competitions, and dejunking my house in preparation for moving to a smaller one.  I was wanting to work hard at the box, and at home while I had my personal trainer (Jonathan) home to help me.

But New Year's Day, when I was going to start hard, found me on day 3 of miserably sick.  As did January 2nd...and 3rd - My entire week of project time was squandered on tissues, coughing, fevers, sore throats, headaches, no voice (it is barely coming back today, finally:-) children crying and coughing all night, and vascilating emotions between depressed, discouraged, wondering what I am supposed to be learning from this, and hoping that tomorrow I, and my children and husband, would be all better.

Today I am starting to really feel better. But as for my big plans - I am a week and a half behind the schedule I had planned.

As I look at where I am, I am full of hope, still.  I am not out of the race. My goals are still important to me, no less than they were before.  I still have them beating in my heart.  Starting them 10 days later than planned is okay. I am actually surprised at my own hopefulness and excitement.  I feel even more determined to stay dedicated to my path.  And I have had time to ponder and consider my children's needs, and my marriage more.  I gained insights on other areas I need to work to keep balance this year.  I feel good about taking things in stride, one day at a time, just consistently doing a little each day on the things that are important to me.  I feel assured that no matter the challenges that come to throw me off my path, I will be able to continue moving on it.

I thank my Heavenly Father for this feeling of hope and courage!

I am a mother who knows I am divine...

Last Friday I attended a book discussion on Co-Dependency No More.  The crux of the conversation was how do we get into a co-dependent mindset, and how do we get out of it?  The conclusion was that it ultimately hinges on knowing that we are of worth.

When I get down on myself, for whatever reason - mistakes I made, something others said or did,  my plans not working, missing a goal, missing a commitment, feeling hurt or alone, put off by the difficulty of a task ahead,  cloudy skies, being sick, something others did not say or do - I forget that I am divine - a Child of God- and therefore have infinite potential, and have access to His omnipotent help. Instead I start thinking about how miserable I am, and how hard my life is.  I start thinking that I am all on my own to fix things and that feels impossible, it is impossible.  So my brain runs away from my own problems and starts looking at other people - usually my husband.  His life is clearer to see -  If I focus on his needs, his responsibilities, his moods, his schedule, his response to me, his thoughts, I don't have to think about mine.  His problems I can see the solution to.  It is always easier to see someone else's problems and solutions, and because we are not them, they seem very fixable. But as long as I am seeing mostly him, I am stuck in co-dependency.

So to get out of co-dependency I must remember truth.
Truth #1:  I am child of God in the complete sense.  I have a divine origin, nature, and potential.
God created me, I am his spirit offspring.  Because of this, a part of me is good.  And I am of great worth to Him. He loves me.  I can become like Him.  No matter what I do, have done, or how many times I make that same mistake, the above sentences remain true.  No matter what I do, it will not lessen or change God's love for me.  Because I am a child of God, or divine...

Truth #2:  The atonement of Jesus Christ is always the solution.  Divine people (all of us) should seek divine solutions.  Every problem, challenge, hurt, mistake, opposition, frustration, wrong, sin, illness, wound, affliction - everything that is hard in this life can be overcome through the atonement.  I first learned as a child that the atonement was Christ's suffering for our sins so that we can repent and be made clean again.  As a young mother I learned that the atonement also covers our pain, and succors, gives comfort for, and heals our physical or spiritual wounds, pain, illnesses.  In the last few years I have learned that the atonement also strengthens and enables us in our challenges.  If there is any good thing we want to do, or accomplish, or change in our lives,  the atonement is the source of power beyond our own to make it happen.

Truth #3:   To access the atonement I must act.  Choosing to turn to God for help, and allow the power of the atonement to cleanse, heal, or aid my life means I must work at doing as Jesus Christ asks. The only thing I can give to God, is my will.  If I think continually on Christ, on what he would have me do, if I read about Him, pray in His name, keep His commandments, I will see His atonement working in my life.

My negative thoughts and feelings of myself or others disappear when I put mind around these truths.  Light and dark cannot occupy the same space at the same time.  So to overcome co-dependency and all of its related miseries  just remember...

I am a Child of God.  That means that a part of me is heavenly, good, godly.  God created me.  God Loves me.  I am Divine.

Happy New Year 2015!
I love to set new goals and have been mulling over my goals for this year for over a month.  I actually really like changes.  Setting goals is a way to choose the changes I want in my life.

1.  No sugar or white flour. - After Kathy's passing away, this one is now dedicated to her!  I have been planning on it for some time, as a means of increasing my self-government and health, but it  now has new meaning to me. 
2.  Sell our home.  Buy a smaller, simpler one. 
3.  Write a blog at least once a week.
4.  Teach my children about the restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ in the last days. 
5.  Do a muscle-up.

My list of dreams and hopes for this year is actually very long, but if I can accomplish the above 5 goals, I will have changed me, seen a miracle, exercised courage, purposefully mothered, and gotten stronger.  That is oodles of good for one year.